Remember the adage “if it sounds to good to be true, it is”? It is really hard to apply this when you are in a desperate situation, like divorce. You are angry and hurt; confused and scared. How are you going to pay your bills? How will you get a job after being a stay at home parent for the last 10 years? What about the children? They still need you. You’re spouse has never been a parent to them. So you find an attorney who advertises as an “aggressive” advocate to protect your rights. They may even advertise as “compassionate”. How can you be aggressive AND compassionate? First red flag warning that the attorney is playing on your fears. The attorney promises to get you an immediate order for support and exclusive use of the house. Sounds great! You came to the right place. Or, did you?
What you have just done is start the process of a two to three year divorce, $50,000 in attorney fees, and a battle that will leave you bitter, your children scarred, and your retirement accounts depleted. Your desire to “protect your rights” is quickly twisted into “I have to win”, because that’s what your spouse and his attorney are trying to do. Divorce should not be a competition, with winners and losers. In divorce court, it is. Look at the McCourts. Who lost? The Dodgers. Who won? The lawyers. Look at the recent Seal Beach shooting: Scott Dekraai shot 8 people, killing his soon-to-be ex wife. Who lost? His nine year old son. Who won? Who cares.
The reality of divorce is that the “win/lose” mentality distracts us from the problems to be solved. A parenting plan (aka “child custody and visitation”) should be based on a child’s needs and the best that Mom and Dad can offer; not on what the legislature, or a judge, or a custody evaluator (who know nothing about you, your goals, or your goals for your children) decide. Your financial decisions should be based on your unique situation and goals; not on an algebraic formula that’s based on gross income. In divorce court, once your aggressive attorneys have exhausted you, financially and/or emotionally, then they start to recommend mediation, or they, after the judge instructs them, force you into the courthouse hallway, and instruct you to take an on-the-spot deal that you really don’t understand or want. Problem solving in this scenario feels more like arm twisting or “cutting your losses” after you’ve given everything up.
What if you could start the process with problem solving? What if Scott Dekraii and Michelle Fournier had a child specialist and divorce coaches to address parenting concerns and make sure that everyone was emotionally stable and ready to resolve? What if the McCourts had sat down with an emotional, legal, and financial team of professionals to work through the anger, keep focus on protecting the team, and understand the financial picture? Answers: Dominic Deckraai may still have both parents, and the Dodgers could have avoided bankruptcy.
Divorce is not a “one-size-fits-all” business transaction (as it is treated in Divorce Court). The complex emotional interactions and consequences of a relationship break are completely ignored in divorce court, and fed upon by “aggressive” lawyers.
You don’t need an “aggressive” lawyer to safeguard your valuable rights. Couples facing divorce need to manage the fear, anger, and hurt, so that they can make rational, informed decisions. The truth of the situation is that both spouses usually share common interests: stability for themselves and their children; a desire for fairness; the ability to plan for the future; and the desire to keep their children healthy and happy. The sooner you start working with a professional who focuses on problem solving rather than feeding on your fears, the sooner you can identify and start working towards these underlying interests.
Even if your spouse refuses to participate in a peaceful resolution (see my other article on this topic), working with a mediator, collaborative attorney, divorce coach, and/or financial specialist trained in mediation and collaborative practice, will help you find peaceful ways of working through the process. These professionals are skilled in managing conflict, especially in high conflict situations. They will teach you:
- How and when to “respond” rather than “react” when your spouse tries to engage;
- How to be the “safe” parent when your spouse puts the children in the middle;
- How to use your “EAR” with your spouse - show empathy, attention, and respect - without sacrificing the validity of your concerns and interests;
- How to parent as you see fit, regardless of your spouse’s conduct;
- And how to plan for your future and your child’s future, as if your spouse didn’t exist.
Here are 5 suggestions when planning your divorce:
- Work with a therapist who will keep you grounded and focused.
- Think about what you would like your divorce to look like; if you have continuing connections like children or a business together, consider the kind of relationship you would like to have with this person in five yeas, in ten years, for future events like graduation, weddings, and medical emergencies.
- Consider forgiveness. When you forgive, you honor the fact that you were harmed, and you sever the control the other person has to continue harming you. That is when your are truly healed.
- Seek out an experienced mediator or a collaborative attorney, even if your case is not collaborative and your are forced into divorce court. These professionals are trained in managing conflicts and that can have a positive impact, even in difficult contested cases. These are professionals who do what they do out of true compassion for the suffering of others.
- Find an attorney who not only understands the complex laws of property, support, and custody, but who also appreciates the “human nature” part of the situation, and is committed to guiding you through it with as little conflict as possible. This person will help you identify and support your highest values without sacrificing your financial or parenting safety.
“It takes two to tango.” If you don’t like the music, find another party. Very often, what we have seen happen, is the EAR (empathy, attention, and respect) you give to your spouse, either, is reflected back by your spouse or modeled by your children. In the best situations, we see both. What a great way to stop the divorce cycle for your children: by teaching them the tools to deal with high conflict situations in a productive way.