Sunday, October 02, 2011

A Seven Letter Word

I recently began following the OccupyWallSt movement that began on September 17th in NYC and thought about how our country has been in need of a good grass roots social movement for quite some time. All one has to do is look at the recent history of financial mishaps by corporations and banking institutions and the consequent negative effects on the population to realize this. OccupyWallSt is concerned with social and economic justice in our society. Hmmm, what would happen if we thought about beginning a movement to move divorce out of the legal system and into a more appropriate venue?

I think most individuals involved in the family court system will agree it is an inadequate, broken system. Child support not being paid, repeated court appearances fighting over finances, visitation, custody, professionals who are not trained in psychological issues conducting evaluations and assessments, which will have a lasting impact on the entire family’s future mental health, and judges having to make decisions based on who is more believable, not facts. Most importantly the legal system cannot negate the negative impact of all of this has on the children, who do not have a voice in this process.

Imagine for a moment being an outsider to our legal system and how it handles (or mishandles) divorce. What would you think when you saw two individuals standing before a judge arguing over visitation. Who would you believe if there were allegations of inappropriate conduct made by one parent toward the other? What about basic issues like child support and reimbursement for miscellaneous expenses? A judge certainly doesn’t have the time to look at detailed financial transactions, nor do most attorneys. Furthermore, who could afford the hourly fee if they did? Let’s face it, sit in family court for a day and you will see that it doesn’t work and frankly isn’t designed to work with issues involving families. Is this how our children should be cared for?

Now let’s allow our mind to open up to other possibilities. Imagine for a moment that a couple decides to divorce. Now think about a system where the most important issue does not involve the adults at all. Fantasize for a moment that issues having lasting psychological implications are left to mental health professionals. Parents deciding to separate are not thrown into an adversarial process. The most important issue is how the children will be cared for when the parents are no longer together.

Imagine that it is a priority for all parties involved that the child is allowed to stay in the same neighborhood, attend the same school, have the same friends, and pretty much continue to live within the same socioeconomic bracket they have grown up in. The children also are able to maintain a healthy, positive relationship with each parent. Impossible? I think not. I think it is quite possible if the priority and focus is on the child, not the parents.

We as a society need to think about our message to each other and our children. If they aren’t our priority, if we teach them that the arguing, fighting and going to court are appropriate ways to solve disagreement instead of compromising and controlling one’s emotions, we have no right to expect anything different from them.

I don’t know many professionals or parents who would argue that the current system in place for divorce is a great system, or even adequate. Horror stories abound. So why do we remain complacent instead of trying to radically shake it up? A forum for ideas to be shared regarding how to change this system for the better is long overdue. Let’s do exactly that. You can respond to this by going to the blog, Divorce…it’s just the beginning http://www.dcomm-divorceitsjustthebeginning.blogspot.com/. Let’s start working together to change the current system of divorce.

Kimberly A. Kick, LCSW
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