Saturday, April 02, 2011

Expectations in Divorce and Marriage

When mediating I often find that the expectations of each party makes a big difference. Expectations for the marriage and expectations for the divorce. I thought it would be interesting to research it a little more. As always my first step was to google expectation. I found many interesting article but want to share two of them. The first was at The entire article is at
It is easier to quote three significant paragraph.

“The most important factor in determining the outcome in divorce situations is expectations. If expectations are realistic the divorce experience will be less traumatic. On the other hand, fantastic expectations will likely result in great trauma for the entire family unit. To help keep the expectations in a more realistic range, the following concepts should be considered.
Many people tend to forget that the spouse they are divorcing is the same person with whom they wanted to spend the rest of their life. The person they chose was a decent human being then, and that person is still a decent human being even though divorce is imminent.
When a couple get married they are usually in similar emotional states dreaming the same dream. By the time a divorce happens they have taken the same emotional journey, and both have experienced similar amounts of pain. There is a difference, however, in that one very often has felt some pain day after day for a very long period of time, while the other felt the pain in a shortened period of time at the end of the marriage. Both of these people have seen the dream vanish....
To obtain the best outcome of your divorce, it is essential to make decisions based on law and logic, and emphatically not based on emotion. Judges are not primarily concerned with the emotions of the parties. They are not concerned at all with the parties' ideas of fairness. Making decisions about the divorce should be undertaken just as you would make rational decisions about investments. Instead of choosing which stocks or bonds to invest in, you are choosing to invest in legal fees and appraisal fees or to make concessions. Decisions should be based on the amount of return, as well as considerations of the children, and not on the need for revenge or to "win."”
The other article entitled Coping with Client Expectations in Divorce was in by James Kochalka in the February, 1998 Volume LXXII, No.2 Florida Bar Journal at
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