Conflict is an unavoidable aspect of our lives. Conflict normally has a negative connotation; most people try to avoid conflict, some at a high cost to self. From a young age children learn ways to cope and deal with conflict. I propose that conflict, when dealt with in a productive, healthy manner, can be a growth experience. Through conflict we can gain insight into ourselves, learn new ways to cope and feel proud of how we handled a situation.
Most people who divorce experience conflict at various stages of the process of divorce. An ex-partner who begins dating and bringing the children around his or her new paramour can be a source of conflict. Money is often a source of conflict as is rules and guidelines for raising the children.
Some people experience conflict and view it as a win/lose situation. When this occurs communication is doomed to fail. One can feel “wronged” and want to prove his or her point. Compromise cannot occur in such an environment. Conflict can also become addictive with one or both of the individuals seeking to remain connected, if only through conflict. It is unhealthy when an individual begins to thrive on conflict and actively seeks it out.
There are steps we can all take to deal with conflict in a healthy, productive way. One of the first steps is to humanize the opponent. Another suggestion is to avoid all or nothing thinking. When we begin to characterize another person’s behavior as “he is always...” or “she always...” it should cue us that we need to reassess our view of the situation. It is also essential to try to see the “flip side of the coin”, see alternative ways to view the situation. Take the conflict out of the win/lose context. Don’t assume that you know what is motivating the other person. The only way you can know this for sure is to ask.
In the end each of us has to decide how to deal with conflict. The most important thing to remember is that you need to respect yourself after the conflict has passed and this is achieved through your actions.