Written By: Kimberly A. Kick, LCSW
Numerous articles have been written about divorce, the effects of divorce, and how children of divorce are at a disadvantage. The problem with some of the research that has been conducted on divorced children was that extraneous variables weren’t always considered. For example, in research citing that children of divorce are less likely to perform as well academically as their peers who are from intact families, no consideration was given to whether or not the child was performing poorly due to the divorce, or due to arguing and fighting that was still occurring between the parents. It would also be beneficial to see if these were children who had a history of poor academic performance prior to the divorce.
Putting children in the middle can contribute significantly to their lack of adjustment post divorce. Seemingly innocuous events can make a child feel uncomfortable. One example of this is giving the child money to give to the other parent. In my practice as a therapist, numerous youth and young adults who experienced the divorce of their parents stated that events such as this made them feel very uncomfortable. Sometimes parents will ask a child to call the other parent and tell them that they owe money, have to pick them up, or have missed visitation. This is another situation where the child has been put in the middle of a situation that the adults should handle on their own. It leads to the child feeling bad about themselves, uncomfortable, and not sure how to act. This may be one of the extaneous variables that contributes to these children performing poorly in other areas of their lives.
The lasting effects of adding undue pressure and assigning a new role to the children post divorce (as communicator with the ex-partner) is something that should be avoided. Using an objective communication device like All About The Children, can help eliminate the impulse to use the child to communicate with an ex-partner. Divorce research needs to occur with children of parents who use a communication tool, rather than the children to communicate with each other, then, perhaps, the data won’t be as skewed in favor of children from intact couples.