Kimberly A. Kick, LCSW
As a therapist who has been working with couples, families, and children of divorce for over 23 years, one thing has become quite clear when couples experience conflict – the desire to not cooperate with anything your ex-partner wants. This presents a problem when children are involved. Parents must remember, it isn’t only the marriage that is breaking up; it is also the structure of the family unit. The children will mourn the loss of having both parents available to them under the same roof.
What can you do? One of the most basic recommendations, repeated over and over again, is to avoid involving the children in the divorce. This means not using them to communicate with your ex-partner, not telling them the issues you have with your ex-partner, and not making them feel as though they have to choose one parent over the other. Easily said, hard to put into practice when emotions run high. The need to prove that you are right and your ex-partner is wrong can override logic and doing the right thing.
I believe this is where couples should seek to distance themselves from direct communication with each other. Think about it, you are never going to get your ex-partner to see the situation exactly as you do, just as you don’t see the situation as they do. It seems we get ourselves into a vicious, hopeless cycle of trying to prove “I’m right, you’re wrong”. This only exacerbates an already difficult situation.
The dilemma may become getting your ex-partner to agree to a divorce communication tool like All About The Children. There is no doubt that communicating via an objective communication tool will reduce the negative emotions one experiences when hearing a certain tone of voice, or the back and forth arguing that can occur over the phone. It will also help keep an accurate, objective record of what has transpired, which is a huge benefit to both parties.
So how can you get both parents to agree to use All About The Children? One suggestion is to point out that using a divorce communication tool will help both parents with scheduling, communications, and financial matters. It can serve as a protective device for all parties involved. If this doesn’t work, unfortunately some parties will have to go to court and ask the judge to order it. Once done, life will become easier and the children will benefit immensely from not being put in the middle.