I have always wanted to experiment with group mediation but never have had an opportunity. There are two forms of group mediation.
An article on the internet at http://www.edr.state.va.us/docsnforms/med/Med-C.doc says, “Traditional group mediation is a voluntary process in which trained mediators assist members of a work group in an open and confidential forum to: (1) identify and discuss the issues that are affecting the group; (2) explore alternatives that may resolve the issues; and (3) reach agreement on the alternatives that would best resolve the issues. The mediators meet with the work group, explain the process and answer questions, interview each group member privately to obtain his or her perspective of the situation, identify and list issues from the information shared during the interviews and present the list to the group for approval; the group may add or delete issues, ask the group to prioritize the issues and decide the order of discussion by the group, facilitate the discussion of the issues, establish with the group a schedule of two or three meetings, 3-4 hours each, to discuss the issues, help the parties define the issues involved
• encourage and assist the parties to have open and honest communication
• do not make judgments on who is right or wrong
• do not make decisions or impose solutions
The parties:
• are voluntary participants who want to discuss and resolve the issues
• must be willing to talk openly and honestly about their concerns and issues
• must be willing to generate alternatives to resolve the issues”
I would like to experiment with a different type of group divorce mediation. It would be more like group therapy. I would meet with a few divorcing couples and try to mediate all the divorces at once. It would save the couples money. I am not sure if it would make problem solving easier or harder. Probably both. So far it has the logistics or getting couples and have them meet has prevented me from trying. Perhaps, one day it will all come together.
As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM(183) 7/31/10
Saturday, July 31, 2010
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Conflict can be Productive By: Kimberly A. Kick, LCSW
Conflict is an unavoidable aspect of our lives. Conflict normally has a negative connotation; most people try to avoid conflict, some at a high cost to self. From a young age children learn ways to cope and deal with conflict. I propose that conflict, when dealt with in a productive, healthy manner, can be a growth experience. Through conflict we can gain insight into ourselves, learn new ways to cope and feel proud of how we handled a situation.
Most people who divorce experience conflict at various stages of the process of divorce. An ex-partner who begins dating and bringing the children around his or her new paramour can be a source of conflict. Money is often a source of conflict as is rules and guidelines for raising the children.
Some people experience conflict and view it as a win/lose situation. When this occurs communication is doomed to fail. One can feel “wronged” and want to prove his or her point. Compromise cannot occur in such an environment. Conflict can also become addictive with one or both of the individuals seeking to remain connected, if only through conflict. It is unhealthy when an individual begins to thrive on conflict and actively seeks it out.
There are steps we can all take to deal with conflict in a healthy, productive way. One of the first steps is to humanize the opponent. Another suggestion is to avoid all or nothing thinking. When we begin to characterize another person’s behavior as “he is always...” or “she always...” it should cue us that we need to reassess our view of the situation. It is also essential to try to see the “flip side of the coin”, see alternative ways to view the situation. Take the conflict out of the win/lose context. Don’t assume that you know what is motivating the other person. The only way you can know this for sure is to ask.
In the end each of us has to decide how to deal with conflict. The most important thing to remember is that you need to respect yourself after the conflict has passed and this is achieved through your actions.
Most people who divorce experience conflict at various stages of the process of divorce. An ex-partner who begins dating and bringing the children around his or her new paramour can be a source of conflict. Money is often a source of conflict as is rules and guidelines for raising the children.
Some people experience conflict and view it as a win/lose situation. When this occurs communication is doomed to fail. One can feel “wronged” and want to prove his or her point. Compromise cannot occur in such an environment. Conflict can also become addictive with one or both of the individuals seeking to remain connected, if only through conflict. It is unhealthy when an individual begins to thrive on conflict and actively seeks it out.
There are steps we can all take to deal with conflict in a healthy, productive way. One of the first steps is to humanize the opponent. Another suggestion is to avoid all or nothing thinking. When we begin to characterize another person’s behavior as “he is always...” or “she always...” it should cue us that we need to reassess our view of the situation. It is also essential to try to see the “flip side of the coin”, see alternative ways to view the situation. Take the conflict out of the win/lose context. Don’t assume that you know what is motivating the other person. The only way you can know this for sure is to ask.
In the end each of us has to decide how to deal with conflict. The most important thing to remember is that you need to respect yourself after the conflict has passed and this is achieved through your actions.
Saturday, July 24, 2010
Mediation Styles
People often just think mediation but there actually are different types of mediation styles. The three basic types of mediation are facilitative, tranformative, and evaluative. In jest a colleague recently suggested a fourth type – accusatory! I will discuss a potential fourth type, group mediation, in a future blog. All types of mediation require the mediator to be neutral, the process to be confidential, and self determination for the parties. The role of the mediator is different in each type.
Facilitative mediation is based on the belief that, with neutral assistance, people can work through and resolve their own conflicts. In a facilitative mediation, the mediator will take an active role in controlling the "process." Process means things like setting the ground rules for how the problem will be solved. The mediator asks questions to identify the interests of the parties and the real issues in the disagreement. The mediator helps the parties explore solutions that benefit both parties (sometimes called "win/win" solutions). In a facilitative mediation, the mediator does not offer an opinion on the strengths and weaknesses of the parties' cases. The mediator does not suggest solutions.
Evaluative mediation is based on the belief that mediators with expertise in the issues in conflict can help the parties to assess the strengths and weaknesses of their legal or other positions and to work to achieve settlements. In evaluative mediation, the mediator controls the process and suggests solutions for resolving the conflict. The focus of an evaluative mediation is primarily upon settlement. The mediators will make their best efforts to get the parties to compromise, if necessary, to achieve a result. This is the type of mediation most attorneys and former judges use. It is like a court required status conference or a meeting with a special master. I believe this is what Ken Feinberg does. It often becomes what is called power or muscle mediation and a settlement is imposed.
Transformative mediation is based on the belief that conflict tends to make parties feel weak and self-absorbed. Transformatative mediators try to change the nature of the parties' conflict interaction by helping them appreciate each others viewpoints and strengthening their ability to handle conflict in a productive manner. The mediator will intervene in the conversation between the parties in order to call attention to moments of recognition and empowerment. Ground rules for the mediation are set only if the parties set them. The mediator does not direct the parties to topics or issues. Instead, the mediator follows the parties’ conversation and assist them to talk about what they think is important. The transformative mediator does not offer an opinion on the strengths or weaknesses of the parties’ cases. The mediator does not suggest solutions.”
Some mediators prefer to use one approach exclusively in their mediation sessions. Many mediators can, and do, use many approaches. I often start with facilitative but slip into evaluative when I hit an impasse. I probably am always doing a little transformative mediation. Clients don’t usually do it but it is a good idea to ask your mediator which style he or she uses.
As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM(182) 7/24/10
Facilitative mediation is based on the belief that, with neutral assistance, people can work through and resolve their own conflicts. In a facilitative mediation, the mediator will take an active role in controlling the "process." Process means things like setting the ground rules for how the problem will be solved. The mediator asks questions to identify the interests of the parties and the real issues in the disagreement. The mediator helps the parties explore solutions that benefit both parties (sometimes called "win/win" solutions). In a facilitative mediation, the mediator does not offer an opinion on the strengths and weaknesses of the parties' cases. The mediator does not suggest solutions.
Evaluative mediation is based on the belief that mediators with expertise in the issues in conflict can help the parties to assess the strengths and weaknesses of their legal or other positions and to work to achieve settlements. In evaluative mediation, the mediator controls the process and suggests solutions for resolving the conflict. The focus of an evaluative mediation is primarily upon settlement. The mediators will make their best efforts to get the parties to compromise, if necessary, to achieve a result. This is the type of mediation most attorneys and former judges use. It is like a court required status conference or a meeting with a special master. I believe this is what Ken Feinberg does. It often becomes what is called power or muscle mediation and a settlement is imposed.
Transformative mediation is based on the belief that conflict tends to make parties feel weak and self-absorbed. Transformatative mediators try to change the nature of the parties' conflict interaction by helping them appreciate each others viewpoints and strengthening their ability to handle conflict in a productive manner. The mediator will intervene in the conversation between the parties in order to call attention to moments of recognition and empowerment. Ground rules for the mediation are set only if the parties set them. The mediator does not direct the parties to topics or issues. Instead, the mediator follows the parties’ conversation and assist them to talk about what they think is important. The transformative mediator does not offer an opinion on the strengths or weaknesses of the parties’ cases. The mediator does not suggest solutions.”
Some mediators prefer to use one approach exclusively in their mediation sessions. Many mediators can, and do, use many approaches. I often start with facilitative but slip into evaluative when I hit an impasse. I probably am always doing a little transformative mediation. Clients don’t usually do it but it is a good idea to ask your mediator which style he or she uses.
As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM(182) 7/24/10
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