Mediation and the Jump Ball

I was always tall for my age so was encouraged to play basketball. I was awful. Thought too much and did not play automatically. Played Biddy Basketball for the Laurels AC with our orange and black uniforms. I was also the third string center for West Rocks Junior High School team in Norwalk, Connecticut. I was the only player not to score any points. The only basket I made was nullified for a goal tending violation. My ongoing claim to fame was to have been on the same team and Calvin Murphy. He was only 5’ 8” but went on to play for the Houston Rockets and made the Hall of Fame. Ed Mewing was our coach. I continue to follow basketball. As a graduate of the University of Connecticut, I can’t resist watching our Women’s Basketball team. As a resident of Tucson, I follow the University of Arizona’s Women’s Basketball team.

What does this all have to do with mediation? As I have recently watched the games, I realized that the jump ball or now the opening tip is only used to start a half. When I played basketball and two players both grabbed the ball, there was a jump ball to determine possession.

Now since about 1981, most competitions use the alternating possession rule to settle all jump ball situations after the opening tip. This uses a possession arrow on the scorekeeper's table. Whenever such a jump ball situation occurs, the team whose basket that the possession arrow is currently pointing to gets the ball. The arrow then swaps to point to the other team. At the start of the game, the arrow points to the team that lost the opening tip.
In mediation and in particular divorce mediation, we have to determine possession. Who has possession of the children, the cars, the home, the bank accounts and much more. More often than not and especially in a litigated divorce, the dispute is settled with an approach similar to a jump ball. In mediation we don’t always alternate possession but we often use that or another approach which is less competitive than a jump ball. It not only speeds up the process but seems to work better.

As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com WM (206) 2/12/11

Happy Marriage

Enjoyed Tara Parker-Pope’s January 2, 2011 article in the NewYork Times entitled “The Happy Marriage is the ‘Me’ Marriage.”

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/01/02/weekinreview/02parkerpope.html
She says,

“A lasting marriage does not always signal a happy marriage. Plenty of miserable couples have stayed together for children, religion or other practical reasons.
But for many couples, it’s just not enough to stay together. They want a relationship that is meaningful and satisfying. In short, they want a sustainable marriage.
‘The things that make a marriage last have more to do with communication skills, mental health, social support, stress — those are the things that allow it to last or not,” says Arthur Aron, a psychology professor who directs the Interpersonal Relationships Laboratory at the State University of New York at Stony Brook. “But those things don’t necessarily make it meaningful or enjoyable or sustaining to the individual.’
The notion that the best marriages are those that bring satisfaction to the individual may seem counterintuitive. After all, isn’t marriage supposed to be about putting the relationship first? “

This may explain why I see so many couples in mediation who seem to have a happy marriage but are getting divorced.
As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com WM (205) 2/5/11

Divorce is more than just a word

Remember when you were sick as a child and you would go into your parents bedroom knowing your mom would take care of you? Remember that feeling of comfort and love and safeness you felt as your parents would make sure they took care of you, give you the right medication, and tuck you back into bed? A child of divorce doesn’t always feel that sense of comfort. Going into mom’s bedroom in the middle of the night is not the same when there is a stepparent involved. Don’t get me wrong, a stepparent can be the greatest person in the world but it changes the dynamics.

Moments like these are difficult to understand if you aren’t a child of divorce. So for all of you out there dealing with divorce, whether in the courtroom, in your office, or as a friend, remember the children who are the real victims in the divorce. Even today as I sit here as a child of divorce, and a mother who divorced, life isn’t the same and never will be.

When a major life change occurs, why do we assume our children are just going to “be okay”. As professionals, parents, relatives and friends we need to take an active stance in making sure we all try to adjust to this new life change called divorce. It’s amazing how one word can describe a lifetime of change.

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