It’s inevitable for most of us, the relationship ends and a new one begins. Dating can help the person get over divorce; someone who lavishes you with attention, compliments, and dinner out can be a welcome relief after the stress and strain of ending a relationship. Try remembering the following to help you through dating while maintaining your role as a parent.
You will be excited to have found someone new after the turmoil and conflict that comes with ending a relationship. Especially if you have just left a relationship where you felt marginalized and unappreciated, the thrill can be overwhelming. Out of feeling so happy you may believe you should share your new found love with the children. Stop yourself. Your children aren’t feeling the same way you are. No child is excited to meet mom’s new boyfriend or dad’s new girlfriend. Pushing your new love on the children is sure to lead to resentment and acting out.
In most cases of divorce, each parent has some evenings and every other weekend when the children are with their ex-partner. This is when dating should occur. Right after the divorce your children need the stability and consistency of feeling connected with both parents. It is never a good idea to involve an outsider in this mix. Take your time, date when your children are with your ex-partner, and allow healing to occur.
If your ex-partner isn’t involved with the children, don’t convince yourself that it is a good idea to introduce a substitute role model for the children. This isn’t going to work and will end up causing resentment and confusion. The same rule applies; do not introduce your new partner too quickly to the children. Get a babysitter or have a relative watch the children while you go on your date.
There is a difference between children whose parents just divorced and children whose parents divorced years ago. However, just because you divorced many years ago, it is still a bad idea to involve your children with every person you date. It is unnecessary and places strain and stress on the children, which can and should be avoided.
My rule of thumb is that children should NEVER be introduced to a romantic interest unless the relationship has progressed and is one in which you believe a serious long-term commitment will result. Even then you should take your time and make sure the circumstances are right when introducing the children to your new love. The age of your child must also be taken into consideration when introducing a new partner. Younger children will not be able to sort out what is happening as easily as older children.
Remember, you are a parent first. The well-being of your children MUST take precedence. This isn’t to say you shouldn’t take care of yourself, you should. However, make a separate time and space for your adult dating life and maintain your role as mom or dad when you are with the children.
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