Parenting after divorce requires serious adjustment, trust, and confidence. Whether you resolve your divorce through a peaceful resolution process or through a divorce battle, the way you and your ex-spouse co-parent will have an impact, good or bad, on your children.
For many fathers, this may be the first time you have sole responsibility for your child for a significant period of time. It will be up to you to feed your child, dress him, give medications, take to birthday parties, handle emergencies, etc. This can be a challenge, especially if you feel Mom will be judging you or will use any mistake against you to challenge your visitation time. Mother’s frequently complain “He’s never taken care of a four year old before.” “He doesn’t even know who Johnny’s doctors are.” Some of these reasons may, in fact, be true. Why? Because mom always took those responsibilities. So what happens when little Johnny is on his weekend visit with Dad? Unless Mom and Dad have a good co-parenting relationship (doesn’t happen over-night), Mom will probably be frantic all weekend, Johnny will feel Mom’s anxiety before he leaves to spend time with Dad, Johnny will likely be worried all weekend about Mom, Dad will feel that Mom is judging him and trying to interfere with his relationship with Johnny, and there will likely be more court hearings to modify visitation because Johnny is uncomfortable visiting with Dad, Dad is not taking proper care of Johnny, Mom is “brain-washing” Johnny against Dad, etc. All of these are understandable “perspectives”. Children pick up on emotion even when nothing is said to them. Regardless of what Mom says or does, you have the ability to create a positive relationship with your child. Here are a few tips for Fathers wanting to improve their relationships with their children:
- Never bad mouth your child’s mother in the child’s presence or within his/her range of hearing;
- Ask your child how his day was and actually listen, attentively, to the answer - ask follow up questions;
- Help your child with her homework;
- Meet your child’s teachers and the school’s staff - I personally have seen mother’s going through divorce who have rallied the school staff on their side because they talk to them about how terrible Dad is. And since Dad doesn’t talk to the staff, they believe Mom;
- Know the names of your child’s friends - this will not only show you are interested and paying attention, but it will make it much easier when you learn that Johnny was invited to Susie’s birthday party. Your child has a life too you know;
- Create a routine for when your child is with you - Father child activities are great, such as afternoon walks, bed time stories, grocery shopping (a great opportunity to include your child’s tastes for dinners during his/her visit with you);
- Know how your child is doing in school - Don’t use your lack of communication with Mom as an excuse. Talk to your child’s teacher (see item 4 above) and ask if she can create a duplicate of your child’s progress reports for you. Sometimes, they are available online. Get the information. It’s okay to let the teachers know your situation and the level of communication with Mom. This will help the teacher help your child through rough days (such as mid week visitation changes, when it is natural for your child to miss the parent s/he will not be seeing for a while).
- Compliment your child on his/her successes;
- Communicate directly with all of your child’s caregivers;
- Enjoy each day with your child and remind her how much you love her. Stress affects us all. Find an outlet when your child is not with you so that you can be properly focused when s/he is with you.
Child specialists agree that children who’s parents have divorced tend to have more productive relationships in adulthood when their parents resolve their divorces peacefully. These tips where accumulated from my experience as a divorce peacemaker, from recommendations by child specialists, and from practices that have worked for my clients. There are many more ways to succeed in co-parenting. Please feel free to share what has worked for you.