Divorce and Google ABC

As you know, I am a great fan of Google. I was recently doing a search when I noticed something I should have noticed before. I knew Google suggests searches as you type in words but I never paid attention to what happen if you just type in a letter. I started typing in divorce rate and stopped at the r in rate. I then realized I could get the top searches for the letter r. For fun I typed out divorce and then the first letter of Divorce. The following are my results:

D - Decree, Dance, Documents, Definition, Depression, Deposition Questions, During Pregnancy

I - In - Texas, California, Florida, the Bible, Virginia, Georgia, NC, Colorado

V - Virginia, Video, Visitation Schedule, Virginia Process, Vermont Process, Versus - Annulment, Separation, Legal Separation, Dissolution,

O - Online, Ohio, On Children, Oregon, Online Texas, Of Lady X, Or Separation, Oklahoma, Ohio Laws, Online Free

R - Rate, Records, Rate by States, Records Texas, Rate in2008, Recovery, Rate in America 2008, Records in California, Records in Florida, Rate Statistics

C - Care, Court, Costs, Cakes, California, Child Custody, Checklists, Calculator, Counseling, Court Episodes

E - Effects on Children, Entrance Dance, Effects on Children Statistics, Effects, Etiquette , Essay, Emotional Stages, Emotions, Education Class in Utah, Emotional Support

I was particularly interested in following up Divorce Cakes and Divorce Etiquette. I will probably do a future blog on both.

I also just did what came up for divorce and got the following results:

Divorce - Advice, Papers, Statistics, Process, Rate, Records, Law, Lawyers, Care, Court.

I was disappointed that mediation did not come up but if you type in divorce m, it is the first combination that comes up.

As always, you can post any comment about this blog, Divorce Mediation, or Tucson Arizona by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM(158) 11/24/09

Is Mediation For Everyone?

Written by Cathy Chestler, co owner of All About The Children

I had been divorced for a few years when I was court ordered to go to mediation after my ex-husband and I couldn’t agree on some issues pertaining to the children.

Mediation is great if you can find a mediator who really understands the law and the psychology of people. The mediator I was sent to was a lawyer who lacked any experience in psychology or communication skills. She lacked the ability to ask certain questions that would lead to the truth, while only looking skimming the surface of issues. She could recite the law but when my ex-husband spoke, she assumed he was telling the truth. Another issue was that my ex-husband went into mediation with an agenda that consisted of his own needs and not one the best interests of the children. Mediation is a process that is only as good as the people presenting the information, their willingness to put aside their differences for the children, as well as the ability of the mediator to mediate.

I myself took a 40-hour course in Divorce Mediation 10 years ago from a well know pioneer in Divorce Mediation. I understand what it takes to be a mediator from the perspective of a client as well as a trained professional. Mediators do not have an easy job as they try to help two people who have built a life together that now need to tear it all down and try to rebuild some semblance of cordiality for the children.

Mediation is a way to take your divorce out of the hands of the Judge and two opposing lawyers who want to “settle”, while empowering the couple with the outcome of their own divorce. Not everyone is a candidate for mediation, such as domestic violence clients, those unwilling to cooperate, and clients who are vindictive and trying to harm the other parent. Mediation is right for those who want to be active participants in their divorce and do what is equitable not only for themselves, but their children.

Overall I believe that the court system tries to do what is best, but falls short. As I stood before the Judge, time after time, the one thing I could count on was that I was just a number to them. I was a docket number shoved inside a cream colored envelope stored in the back of a huge courtroom filing cabinet. I can’t blame our court systems, which are flooded with thousands upon thousands of sometimes very angry divorcing couples, desperately wanting to be heard.

If divorcing couples are willing to sit and be truthful for the best interest of themselves and their children, mediation is the way to go. Why give control of your divorce to people who don’t know you and are going to determine what’s best for you and your family in a matter of minutes. Empower yourself and try mediation first. It is less expensive, less time consuming, and a way to be able to decide things as individuals, opposed to being a docket number on a judge’s desk. I think of mediation as allowing the couple to explore that important grey area that is never spoken about in the courtroom. Remember, the courtroom only sees the black and white and doesn’t have the time or knowledge to see the grey.

Divorce and Basic Training

It has been 40 years since I did my basic training at Fort Bragg. I learned many life lessons. Some good some bad. One that I remember is cleaning the barracks each morning. There was a reward if you your platoon did the best job cleaning. The reward was usually being the first platoon when marching so we did not have to eat dust or experience an accordion effect. I remember Gregg Machado polishing the fire extinguisher until it gleamed or trying to control the floor buffer. Very often no matter what we did, we did not win. I am not sure how we found out but we did learn the trick to winning. The drill sergeants would take a grease pencil and put marks in the barracks. If you found and removed the mark you won. If you did not find the mark, no matter how well you cleaned you lost. The lesson for the army, divorce, and life is you must know the rules of the game.
As always, you can post any comment about this blog, Divorce Mediation, or Tucson Arizona by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM(157) 11/17/09

Separating Roles - Wife to Mother, Husband to Father

When clients call to inquire about our divorce mediation services, they are very anxious. During that telephone conversation I try to reassure them and give them hope. The potential clients often feel that all the marriage is not working, but their spouse is a good parent. I usually tell the person that we will help them separate their roles as Husband and Wife and maintain their roles as Mother and Father. They seem to like hearing that and say that is what they would like to happen. In fact that is what happens. The emotion of the marriage is gone and the parties can concentrate on being even better parents.
As always, you can post any comment about this blog, Divorce Mediation, or Tucson Arizona by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM(156) 11/10/09

Impediments To Communication

Written by Kimberly Kick, co owner of All About The Children

I write this as I sit at the Annual meeting of the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers. All About The Children had the privilege of setting up a table outside of the presentation area. What interests me from this experience is the feedback we received from various professionals who stopped by to chat with us. Most of them were lawyers, however there were a handful of mediators and mental health professionals.

The feedback received indicated the need professionals saw for there to be a communication tool that divorced couples can use. What was disheartening was the jaded opinion that no matter what communication tool you encouraged some divorce couples to use, no difference would be made with parents who refuse to pay for their children, attend visitation sporadically, and refuse to put the needs of the children first.

This left me pondering what factors contribute to keeping the hostility and anger so alive between some divorced couples. Why can’t some people see the damage that is caused by irresponsible behavior and actions? Why isn’t the focus the needs of the children and not the needs of the adults?

I’m interested in receiving feedback. Tell me what you think. What factors contribute to keeping unproductive and unhealthy behaviors alive between divorced couples?

But I don’t want a divorce

In most divorces one party does not want the divorce. This almost always leads to the statement, "Why must I (fill in the blank) when I did not want the divorce?" It is a good question but the answer is not one the person wants to hear. It often comes down to who can handle the pain of the marriage the least. The person who asks the questions, rarely asks why did my spouse want the divorce and even if that question is answered the person rarely understand or accepts the answer. The person who does not want the divorce does not understand how he or she may be driving his or her spouse crazy. This is not to say that all the fault really lies with the person who does not want the divorce. In many cases the person who wants the divorce does not realize that his or behavior has triggered the behavior in the other spouse which he or she does not like. Marriage is a dynamic process with each party influencing the behavior of the other party. So what does this all mean in a divorce and more particularly a divorce mediation. It means that the couple should look ahead not back. Discussing how they got to this point is not as important as deciding where they want to be. There is no point in doing a "marital audit" of all the things that went wrong or who was responsible. It is too slippery a slope.
As always, you can post any comment about this blog, Divorce Mediation, or Tucson Arizona by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM (155) 11/3/09