I wanted to share with everyone a very impressive training I recently took on High Conflict Divorce. It was a training that a couple of my colleagues had described as "life changing" and "fills in the gaps left by other trainings". Please note, that this is not a comparison to other trainings in mediation, collaboration, or other high conflict programs. Every training that I have attended has expanded my knowledge and given me many more tools to use in my divorce cases. Brook Olson's "High Conflict Divorce Training", was truly a unique experience for me, and something everyone should be aware of and should consider attending.
Brook Olson is a coach who, himself, went through a high conflict divorce. It was during that experience that he met, and later worked with, a high conflict professional who showed him why his was a high conflict matter and how to get through it and move on with his life. While he learned much from this individual, there were many questions left unanswered and many situations unaddressed. Thus began Brook's journey into High Conflict Divorce solutions. Today, Brook teaches his course to high conflict parents in San Diego. His 12 week program for high conflict parents has been approved by the San Diego Courts, who order such litigants to attend. Brook also offers the 4 day program that I attended for professionals who also wish to teach the 12 week program in their areas. Orange county recently adopted the program and will soon be referring high conflict parents. Although neither LA, Riverside, or San Bernardino currently offer such classes (not sure about Ventura), I took this course to better understand my clients and to give them the tools they need to stop the battle, focus on the children, and move on as positive role models, regardless of the other parent's conduct. My hope is that, in the not to distant future, our local courts will take advantage of the opportunities offered by these classes and start directing parents towards them. I think the result will be fewer parents returning to court due to mis-steps by the other parent.
So down to the program itself. I have to say, the first day, for me, was scary. And, truth be told, this was one of the warnings we were given at the beginning. Brook shared with me that I have the distinction of being the first attorney to take the training. Divorce coaches, therapists, social workers, and financial professionals working in divorce or with divorcing couples have been the typical attendees. After taking this course, I have to say that as attorneys, we are seriously missing out.
We started the program in a way similar to how Brook teaches the program to divorcing parents - why are you here? What experiences in your life have brought you to divorce cases. Fairly simple questions, or so it seems. Brook has an ability to help you reveal truths about yourself that, for many of us, we were not even aware of. For example, I know, that in my own life, conflict makes me very uncomfortable. I employ mediation and collaborative techniques when the situation calls for it, but, truth be told, I would prefer to avoid the conflict. Not surprising; this probably describes most people. What was surprising to me was the revelation that I voluntarily enter the conflicts of others because I feel that I have the ability to save people. I struggle with this. I know that I have to allow my clients to make their own decisions and control their own destinies. And it's not just with my clients; I do this with my friends and my family as well. This was something I was aware of in my practice, but I disguised it as me trying to suppress my "inner-litigator"; allowing my clients to control the outcome. When, in reality, I have a savior complex (I must have been a superhero in another life).
What was "scary" about day one is that you are put in a position of facing your own inner truths, much as the divorcing parent must do in these classes. And you are put in this position in front of others, going through the same experience, much as the divorcing parent must do in these classes. In short, you, the professional, experience the class much as the parent will. Through a series of exercises, you bring up past or current conflicts and are, literally, placed in the position of the person with whom you were/are in conflict with. This goes well beyond role reversals. It gave me a very different perspective of the person with whom I had had a conflict.
Every exercise begins with refocusing - first on breathing, then on your immediate senses, both externally and internally, then on a joyous place/occasion, then on the exercise (which includes noticing the change in your senses and being), and back in reverse order. I came away from that first day realizing there had been an internal shift, in my being, in my thinking, in my emotional state.
The remainder of the training was more technique orientated, always keeping in the foreground the introspective aspects of the exercises. Here, the tools we were given filled all of the "but" questions. In theory, many of our mediation and collaborative techniques have promising outcomes; and, for many, they do work. "But" there is always one or two parents who just can't pull themselves out, no matter what tools and/or resources we offer. For many such parents, this challenge stems from their own childhood traumas that have caused undeveloped or poorly developed cerebral functions, manifesting themselves as bipolar disorder, narcissism, borderline personality disorder, etc. This course teaches you, the professional and/or the parent, to identify the varying degrees and types of personality disorders that most often are at play within these individuals, and how these come into play in a parenting/divorce dispute. This is where many of my colleagues will struggle - the idea that not all parents CAN co-parent, nor should they try.
This opened the discussion for the overall theme of the course: Parallel Parenting. Parallel Parenting is parenting that is not only child focused, but exclusive of the other parent. There is no direct communication between the parents. Custodial time is carried out as if the other parent no longer existed. The "what if she takes me to court because my kid came home with a broken arm" questions are addressed in practical terms - what if she did? Did you break your child's arm? If not, what will happen? If you did, that's pretty bad. What do you think the court will do? Maybe you should enroll yourself in anger management before the court orders it. And so on. Co-parenting is, and always should be, the ultimate goal. Knowing that there are some who physically lack that ability, and having the tools to show that person how to productively parent on their own, will serve the greater, overall interests of the children.
Folks, this class really is about being the best parent you can be, regardless of the divorce and regardless of the other parent, and giving high conflict parents the tools to do just that. It's about learning to be rather than learning to respond. And while there are some who cannot make this shift, helping even just one parent really is a success when you know that that is one more child who will not be hauled away by the police when the other parent refuses to allow the visitation.
Brook's High Conflict Divorce training is a practical side of divorce resolution training. For my collaborative and mediation colleagues, and for family court judges, this training will challenge your belief that every parent can and should co-parent. It is a very different approach for a population that was previously dismissed as "some cases just have to be litigated". Too many cases fall into that category needlessly. With budget cuts and the elimination of parenting without conflict classes, we need more professionals equipped to handle these situations and we need more judicial officers willing to explore these avenues and order such couples to attend these courses. These are not personality types that will, necessarily, look for these classes on their own. They must either be ordered or have the option of voluntarily attending in exchange for some benefit in court.
If you would like more information, or would like to attend a local High Conflict Divorce training, e-mail me directly. We have set up a wait list for the next training. Please note that I personally do not train the trainers nor do I receive any compensation for sharing this information. As I have done in the past, through various channels, I like to share my training experiences whenever possible.