It is always wonderful to see a challenging case turn “text-book” mediation when the proper team and resources are used. I recently had a divorcing couple that were facing incredible challenges: financial, emotional, and, if that wasn’t enough, trying to meet the needs of their special needs child. Our first session went as most do: they were uncertain as to the benefits of mediation, they were treating, and reacting to, each other as they always had done, and they were very positional. This is normal. I started as always, confirming both party’s commitment to try to resolve. We set out each party’s goals, discussed the general rules of communication, and started focusing on options for resolution for each goal.
Also normal for these cases, we spent most of the time talking about non-issues (over an hour talking about who would take the vacuum and how the fair market value would be calculated). Issues such as these are non-issues because the true issue is “I’m angry and she’s still trying to control me” or “I’m hurt and he wants to impose rules?” Folks, this is where a coach would usually step in and help both parties see that the conversation they are having is masking the true issue and, therefore, the true issue is not being discussed or resolved. I brought this to their attention and they agreed to set another session which would include the coach. Aside from agreeing to participate in mediation in the first place, this was probably the next best decision they could have made in their divorce.
In our next joint session, with the coach present, we were able to resolve probably two of the most challenging items in a divorce: the parenting plan and child support. And that, in three hours! They were like a completely different couple from the couple I met at the first session. They were not perfect (no one expected that in so short a time) and would fall back into their old habits, which they have perfected over the many years of their union. But, with our help (mine and my co-mediator coach), we were able to stop them, help them recognize the old habit into which they had fallen, and they would modify the offensive conduct. Here’s how it worked: Spouse A would start with “I want you to...” or “You have to...” I would interrupt, apologize for the interruption, and let Spouse A know that what I am hearing is Spouse A talking at Spouse B rather than engaging Spouse B in a discussion. With what Spouse A had learned from the coach, Spouse A then said “Let me re-phrase.” Both spouses did this so beautifully! They really heard and were able to adopt the communication techniques they had learned, in such a short period of time.
Coaches are such an important part of a peaceful resolution in any conflict. The way you phrase your concerns, the tone you use, and the control you exercise can make or break any negotiation. And it is very true - old habits are very hard to break. Don’t beat yourself up because your spouse keeps getting to you - s/he knows your “hot buttons” better than anyone. You cannot control what that person does. Equally true, you CAN control how you respond.
Whether you are a professional or someone currently going through mediation, I would love to hear your thoughts on this and if you have had similar experiences.
Please note that any information I share in these blogs are examples from multiple cases and the facts have all been changed to protect confidential and privileged information.