It wasn’t easy to stop covering for my ex-husband. It became such a habit calling him to remind him of school events, visitation times, and sometimes his own children’s birthdays. There were times I would even tell the children to call their dad just to say “hi” because I knew he wouldn’t think to call them.
I had to break this bad habit and I knew it was not only going to be hard but I wasn’t sure how it would affect the children. I never said a bad word about my ex-husband to the children as I remember my parents would do that to me and it felt awful. I began to live my own life and not constantly call to remind my ex-husband of anything. I thought maybe he would actually think for himself and begin taking responsibility for himself and his obligations to the children. Wow was I wrong.
I became the target of my ex-husbands anger. He would call me and ask me what time soccer practice was, or if it was his weekend with the kids or mine. I would tell him that he has the schedule and he can look just as easy I could. I was done reminding him of anything. He didn’t like that answer and continuously harassed me to give him times and event days. He would scream and yell much like a toddler who didn’t get what they wanted.
The part that got me was that he would put the kids in the middle and complain to them that I would not give him certain information. My ex-husband tried to convince the children that I was being mean and hiding information from him on purpose. He would tell the children that I didn’t want him at events and that was the reason I refused to give him any details of times and dates. Then the kids would question me as to why I wouldn’t tell their father what time events were and so on. It was hard to explain to the kids that my caretaking role of their father was no longer going to continue, and really, it was an adult issue anyway. I was caught in a no win situation.
This went on for weeks, months, and even years. At first it was horrible and sometimes frightening at how my ex-husband used the children to convey messages to me. He would also tell the children to secretly find out from me what time events were but I wasn’t supposed to know he was asking. He would go through my 10-year-old daughter to cancel and reschedule visitation. He would use the children to pass along information to their teachers and coaches, instead of being an adult and picking up the phone to call himself.
I will never forget what my son, who was 10 years old at the time, said to me. He said, “Mom, you held dad together didn’t you.” That was so powerful and it made me realize that even at a young age, children understand what is really happening even if they can’t put it into exact words.
As a mother and a woman, I am very strong and can handle just about anything that comes my way. The one thing I am unwilling to do is put my children in a situation that was unhealthy or dangerous. I will always protect my children to the best of my ability. Unfortunately I would have to protect my own children from the person they should feel safe with, their father.
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