We all play a variety of roles throughout our lifetime. All of us had a specific role in our family-of-origin. For some of us the role may have been the “savior”, jumping into difficult situations and protecting family members from perceived harm. Others may have taken on the role of “peace maker”, sorting out conflict and restoring order to the family unit. Still others may have been in the role of the “mess up”. This individual is the one who acts out the disturbance going on in the home resulting in him getting into trouble, the one who family members expect nothing good to come from.
Our roles change throughout our lifetime as do our relationships with others. It can be challenging to get family members to recognize how an individual has changed. Many adults return to extended family functions and leave feeling misunderstood, pigeon-holed, and thrust back into childhood roles that no longer exist for her. Family members react to each other out of entrenched patterns of communication, they may not even recognize the role that they place other members in, or their own role. Communication may break down when one or more family members do not play their part as expected.
It can be difficult for individuals to recognize the role they play in relation to family members as well as the role they expect family members to play. Our communication with others is strongly influenced by our perceived role in relation to the individual (or individuals) we are interacting with. For example, if we view ourself in the role of a subordinate and the other as being in a role of authority and power (employee to employer) we communicate differently than if the roles were reversed.
This same dynamic exists within our immediate and extended family. We may fall back into dysfunctional, non-existent family roles that once served a purpose. These same roles may now serve only to shut down communication and contribute to hurt feelings. A parent may continue to treat an adult child who has become self-sufficient and successful as the mess up. This can result in the parent never truly seeing the person his child has grown into and the child continuing to feel inadequate, powerless, and not good enough in the eye of her parent.
Trying to get family members to recognize that you are not the same person as you were in your youth is not always easy. Some family members will become upset and agitated when the family dynamics are thrown into disarray when one member doesn’t fulfill his role as expected. Other family members may discount any behavior or action the individual takes that does not fit into her past role in the family. Still others will continue interacting with family members in their past roles, staunchly refusing to change their attitude, communication style, or position. Maintaining healthy boundaries can help alleviate some of the tension that arises in this situation. It is acceptable to politely, yet firmly, assert yourself and not fall back into old, dysfunctional roles within your family.
The problem with static family roles is that they serve as barriers to developing closeness and healthy communication. Looking beyond the traditional roles we had in our family will help develop a more genuine relationship between family members. Ask yourself what role you had in your family growing up. How did it evolve and change over the years? Are you thrust back into that role when you are around family now? What role do you place your family members in? Are you able to maintain appropriate boundaries with family members?
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