For the next few articles I plan on talking about communication styles and patterns. Each article will highlight a style and talk about how that particular style can hamper or contribute to communications between individuals.
Each of us has developed a communication style over the years. We can speculate as to how an individual style develops, but my guess is that factors such as family of origin, the culture we grow up in, how we perceive ourselves, and subtle reinforcements and discouragements from those around us, all contribute to the eventual communication style we develop.
I also believe that once negative communication patterns develop between couples they are difficult to change without a sincere commitment from both parties. It isn’t easy or fun to take a good hard look at what we are doing to contribute to negative communications. Often an objective outsider, like a therapist, is useful to point out negative communication patterns and help replace them with more positive communications. Unless the individual develops insight into how she contributes to negative communications, she cannot change it.
One common negative communication style is what I call the “accuser”. The accuser usually begins a communication with “why”, “you always”, or “I have a problem with…”. A few examples may help illustrate: “I have a problem with you never helping around the house”, “Why don’t you interact more with the kids?”. Notice that the individual to whom this communication is directed is put on the defensive from the outset. Also notice the use of “never”, what I refer to as “all or nothing” communications. No individual is always one way or another variations exist. Frequently the receiver of an accusatory communication will react defensively. This only serves to pull the communication further into negativity, ensuring that all productive communication has ceased.
It is imperative that the recipient of the accusatory communication does not react, instead saying to the accuser, “I’m feeling defensive as that sounded like an accusation. Is there a different way you can say that?”. This forces the accuser to look at his communication and reframe it. If the accuser cannot or will not do this, then the recipient should choose to end the communication until communication can proceed in a productive manner.
The accuser needs to consider that she is not expressing herself in a way that allows the other person to hear her. Each of us wants to feel heard, and if we can communicate in a manner that increases our chances of being heard, why not do it? The accuser needs to reframe what she is trying to communicate in a way that allows the other person to hear it. An example, “I’m feeling overwhelmed with the housework. Can we sit down and talk about how household chores are distributed?’ or “I noticed the kids tossing the ball around in the yard today. I bet they’d love it if you’d jump in and play with them.” This communication is much more likely to get the person thinking about interacting with the kids.
The goal is to communicate in an open way that expresses how you are feeling while not accusing the other person of being responsible for how you are feeling, thinking or reacting. In becoming more aware of our own communication style we improve our interactions with others and feel more effective. This in turn contributes to feeling better about ourselves.
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