The most difficult decision a couple makes is to end their relationship. This is especially true when children are involved. Many couples will try to stay together for the sake of the children. It is not uncommon to hear divorced individuals report, “I would have divorced years ago if it hadn’t been for the children.” Couples realize that divorce means the end of the family unit as it had previously existed.
Once the couple has separated and moved into different residences, it is important to establish new activities, traditions and guidelines in each home. Many couples spend the first few years after divorce spinning their wheels trying to convince themselves and the children that “we are still a family”. Yes, you are still a family, but you are now two families where once there was one. Children are uncannily perceptive and don’t buy the line that, “we will always be a family no matter what”. It’s like a demolition ball hitting a building, knocking it almost completely down, and proclaiming the building still stands because a few walls remain.
Instead of trying to recreate a past that is gone, it is important for parents to stay focused in the present. Some parents argue that it is important to include the ex in all family activities, as though the divorce didn’t happen. This is confusing for children, as they cannot understand what is going on and why the parents are acting as though everything is normal and just the same. The divorce has made the child’s life anything but the same as it was prior to the break-up. This becomes very murky once a new partner is introduced into the family.
It is important to help your children understand that your and your ex-partner’s households are separate. While it is very beneficial to have similar rules and guidelines that are followed with the children, this isn’t always the case. It is also nice to have both parents present for major events in the child’s life. Finding a balance is what is important. Children need to feel secure with each parent and in each home. You can help establish this security by making the child relish the time with each parent and realize that it is no longer one family with the parents, but two separate families.
To make the transition smooth, focus on the positives that happen with two families: more support from different family members, including new partners, two birthday and holiday celebrations and two households with unique and fun traditions. Divorce is just the beginning and the tone each parent sets will go a long way in helping the children cope and adjust. Parents should stay present and positive.
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