Perhaps one of the most daunting jobs in the world: being a stepparent. Thankless, difficult to negotiate, periodic odd man out, little support and ever changing. You are the eternal outsider when it comes to your partner and her or his children. It is also one of the most rewarding roles you can take on, adding shape and meaning to your life you didn’t think possible.
Stepparents can feel isolated and overwhelmed. It is hard for anyone who has not been in this role to understand all of the nuances that occur. Partners aren’t always the best source of support, as they may feel caught in the middle between you and their children. It is essential for stepparents to have a healthy support system in place. Bouncing ideas off of someone else can help add perspective to any situation.
What are the skills necessary to survive being a stepparent? I believe the first step is take your own ego out of the equation. You need to constantly remember that however difficult it is for you to adjust, it is most likely twice as difficult for the children. If you can keep the focus on helping the children cope along with you, putting their needs first, the adjustment will go more smoothly. I realize this is difficult to do, but remember, you were able to choose your current situation and relationship, the children were not.
It is important for you and your partner to discuss and agree on the roles each of you will have, including establishing rules and discipline. Make sure that both of you are comfortable with the roles you have outlined, as well as the household rules. Do not make the mistake of believing this will fall into place on its own; it will fall into place, but lack of thought and preparation are ingredients for disaster at a future date. The role you have with the children will change with time and the discussion between you and your partner should be ongoing.
You and your partner may not always agree on the household rules or discipline. Discuss this with each other and reach a compromise prior to presenting it to the children. It will only add to their confusion, insecurity and resentment if they see you arguing with each other. It is important that both of you feel heard and respected. Biological parents need to remember not to pull the “power play” by shutting you down with the standard, “I’m the parent”. While this is true, you are now a parenting team and your conversations with each other should reflect this.
Bonding with the stepparent can be tricky. Children may feel disloyal to their biological parent if they like the stepparent and get along well with him. These feelings of guilt may result in children pulling away just when you thought you were getting closer. Chances are you are getting closer and the resulting confusion has contributed to the child distancing himself. Be there for the child acknowledging that it must be difficult for him and reinforce that it is acceptable to love all of the adults involved in his life. Never make a child feel as though he has to choose between parents or stepparents.
Have fun creating your new family and maintain a sense of humor. Keep the lines of communication open; seek help and advice when needed and never forget the powerful positive impact you can have on a child.
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