As most family law attorneys know, working with the divorcing client can be quite challenging. Even in cases where the soon to be ex-partners are trying to part ways amicably, communications can break down and emotions can begin to rule the day. It isn’t easy to focus an individual who is fueling her behavior, actions and communications based on emotions. Here are some guidelines attorneys can use to help improve communications between each party in a divorce.
Be aware that going through a divorce causes a multitude of changing feelings. Among the challenges that the divorcing person is going to face is a change in life roles. No longer will the person be the wife or husband of so-and-so. With the end of the relationship comes an adjustment period where the individual has to figure out his new identity. When communications appear to be moving towards the irrational, try focusing him by acknowledging the transition he is going through and reminding him that it will be easier to get through if he keeps his integrity intact throughout the process.
Do not believe that allowing the person to engage in vengeful, negative communications will benefit anyone, including you. The person will end up continuing down the wrong path and you as a professional will be stuck with a client you can no longer deal with effectively. Stress the need to focus on what “is” and not allowing your client to speculate about the ex-partner’s motivation.
You may need to frequently remind your client that dealing with her hurt feelings and anger isn’t accomplished by giving these emotions free rein. It is important to work towards letting go of the hurt and anger. You may find it helpful to suggest a few sessions with a counselor to help get her through this transition.
Keeping communications between ex-partners objective is one of the main ways to focus individuals. Focusing communications on the task at hand does not allow side tracked communications that are no longer relevant. When children are involved this is more important than ever. Study after study details the negative, lasting effects of parental conflict on children. Remind the parent of the damaging effects of conflict on children. Stress that a child is not to be used as an intermediary with an ex-partner. All of these behaviors have lasting detrimental effects.
There are many divorce tools available to assist professionals and the divorcing couple. This runs the gamut from software that helps figure out the finances, assists in developing parenting plans, and tracks expenses. Professional services are offered to provide emotional support, give guidance on working with high-conflict couples and detail basic communication strategies, including how to write an objective email.
It is important to strongly encourage the couple to use an objective divorce communication tool, which helps meet the needs of the children. This includes ensuring that communications cannot be changed, altered or deleted, including financial transactions. This will help focus each parent on communicating only necessary, relevant information. In this way the needs of the children can continue to be met post-divorce and the adults can move forward in their new lives.
Divorce is a life-changing event. Divorce attorneys are normally the first to see these individuals. Attorneys who help their clients successfully navigate the turbulent waters of communication will build a reputation as respected professionals in their communities.
About the author: Kimberly A. Kick, LCSW is a therapist who has worked with children and families of divorce for over 23 years. She developed and co-owns www.DivorceCommunications.com and gives presentations across the country on effective communication skills. Kim can be reached at Kim@DivorceCommunications.com.
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