Common wisdom asserts, 'it takes two to tango', but does it really? How about relationships that end and one partner feels slighted? What if the 'wronged' person feels that payback is in order to teach the now ex-partner that 'you just can’t treat people that way'? When couples break-up, usually one person initiates the break-up and the other person feels hurt and betrayed. Sometimes both parties may agree that ending the relationship is the right thing to do, however still place blame on the other partner for the failure of the relationship. Many people are able to grieve the loss of the relationship and move on, but for a small majority this proves quite difficult. In these situations revenge may be sought as a way to get back at the now ex-partner.
Revenge can take many forms, as anyone who has gone through a break-up can attest to. When children are involved, they may be used as pawns by one parent to punish the other parent. This will cause lasting psychological damage to all involved, especially the children. What is one to do if one parent is pursuing a relationship full of conflict and the other parent is attempting to establish a balance?
Unfortunately there is no easy answer. If one parent refuses to act in a reasonable way, there is little the other parent can do. Some individuals try to manage this by acquiescing to even the most outrageous demands of the other parent, so as not to 'rock the boat'. This ends up causing lasting resentment and a point at which the parent’s anger 'boils over' and fighting ensues. Another individual may attempt to assert his rights and may find the other parent denying visitation, phone contact, or adjustments to the schedule. At this point the parent may feel that his only recourse is through litigation. This ends up costing time, money, and giving control of decisions about your children to the legal system.
So now what? Professionals must realize that it doesn’t always take two to tango. Referrals to therapy are essential in cases where one parent is acting in a destructive manner. The children should also be involved in therapy to help them sort out their feelings surrounding parental conflict. Transparency is essential to illuminate what is really transpiring between the parents. Professionals must be able to access a running record of communications between the parents, otherwise manipulations can continue. The easiest way to do this is encourage parents to sign-up for DivorceCommunications.com. Professionals have 3rd party access to monitor exactly what is happening and then make decisions based on facts, not fiction.
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