There are so many articles written on how to deal with the holidays when you’re divorced that they all seem to become redundant after a while. Being a child from a horrible divorce when I was 7 years old, and now being divorced myself with 2 children, I have seen some great holidays and some miserable ones. Every family situation is different and I believe there are a few common sense ground rules to follow.
First, don’t ask the children who they want to be with on a holiday. This puts them in a no win situation and makes them feel that they must choose a parent. Parents may think the child is old enough or should have some input, but until the child is living on their own, don’t ask. As adults we allow our emotions to get in the way of making rational decisions that involve the holidays and the children. Remember, the children now have their parents living separately and it wasn’t their choice.
Second, don’t use your children as pawns to keep them from the other parent. No matter how the holidays are split up between parents, think of the children. If Thanksgiving dinner is over, and the co-parent wants to take the children for dessert because they have family in town, it’s okay. Don’t say no just to punish the co-parent, as this in turn only punishes the children.
Lastly, don’t use the children to communicate with the other parent. This is an all around rule that needs to be consistent. Using the children to communicate and relay messages to the other parent puts them in a horrible position. Sometimes the children will agree to be that go-between because they feel guilty about the break up, don’t know how to say no, or are just nosy about what is going on. It’s not healthy for the children and may lead to emotional problems for them as they grow up.
I grew up in a divorced family where my parents expressed a strong dislike for each other. I, being the oldest, was the go-between when it came to communications between my parents. Back in 1972 when my parents divorced, there were no computers for emails and there were no cell phones for text messages. It was either a phone call or use the children to communication with each other. With technology today and the experiences I have muddled through, I have created Divorce Communications. There should be no reason to use the children to communicate as both parents sign up and communicate in a safe forum where everything is date and time stamped to maintain objectivity.
Have a safe a wonderful Thanksgiving and remember to enjoy the holidays with your children. Divorce is just an obstacle that will need to be navigated for many years, but just like any obstacle, it can be overcome. Move forward, enjoy your children, and live life to it’s fullest!
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