Kimberly A. Kick, LCSW
We assume a rational world. One in which most people, most of the time, will do the “right thing”. It is frustrating and discouraging when the person you once loved, someone you chose to build a family with, betrays the trust you put in them. This can be the experience during and after a divorce has occurred. The parent who is supposed to pay child support and doesn’t. The parent who misses visitations or is continuously late. The parent who doesn’t stop themselves from involving the children in what should be considered “adult” topics of conversation. The parent who stops parenting after the divorce due to their own pain and depression, and the parent who uses the children as their support system and personal sounding board.
What is the parent who is trying to do the right thing supposed to do when faced with any or all of the above situations? What supports exist in our society to protect the children from the fallout of divorce? What recourse does a person have when the ex-partner refuses to act in a rational, mature manner?
There are no quick fix answers to any of these questions. Each divorce in unique and a “one size fits all” answer doesn’t exist. Keeping this in mind, there are some things a parent can do to minimize the irresponsibility the other parent exhibits. My first suggestion is DON’T lie or cover for the other parent. The children are going to have to figure out their relationship with both parents and cannot do this if they are being presented with misinformation. The parent also should not highlight or dwell on the irresponsible behavior of the other parent by engaging in talking negatively about them.
Try to role model for your children the types of behaviors you want them to exhibit as they grow into adulthood. If you are yelling at them, you are teaching them to yell. If you complain all the time, you are teaching them to complain. Try to show your children the way you want them to act by modeling that behavior. If your ex-partner misses visitation, be there for your children to let them talk about how they feel while letting them know that a parent shouldn’t act that way.
Tell me your experiences and what has worked or not worked so well.