Written by Cathy Chestler, co owner of All About The Children
I had been divorced for a few years when I was court ordered to go to mediation after my ex-husband and I couldn’t agree on some issues pertaining to the children.
Mediation is great if you can find a mediator who really understands the law and the psychology of people. The mediator I was sent to was a lawyer who lacked any experience in psychology or communication skills. She lacked the ability to ask certain questions that would lead to the truth, while only looking skimming the surface of issues. She could recite the law but when my ex-husband spoke, she assumed he was telling the truth. Another issue was that my ex-husband went into mediation with an agenda that consisted of his own needs and not one the best interests of the children. Mediation is a process that is only as good as the people presenting the information, their willingness to put aside their differences for the children, as well as the ability of the mediator to mediate.
I myself took a 40-hour course in Divorce Mediation 10 years ago from a well know pioneer in Divorce Mediation. I understand what it takes to be a mediator from the perspective of a client as well as a trained professional. Mediators do not have an easy job as they try to help two people who have built a life together that now need to tear it all down and try to rebuild some semblance of cordiality for the children.
Mediation is a way to take your divorce out of the hands of the Judge and two opposing lawyers who want to “settle”, while empowering the couple with the outcome of their own divorce. Not everyone is a candidate for mediation, such as domestic violence clients, those unwilling to cooperate, and clients who are vindictive and trying to harm the other parent. Mediation is right for those who want to be active participants in their divorce and do what is equitable not only for themselves, but their children.
Overall I believe that the court system tries to do what is best, but falls short. As I stood before the Judge, time after time, the one thing I could count on was that I was just a number to them. I was a docket number shoved inside a cream colored envelope stored in the back of a huge courtroom filing cabinet. I can’t blame our court systems, which are flooded with thousands upon thousands of sometimes very angry divorcing couples, desperately wanting to be heard.
If divorcing couples are willing to sit and be truthful for the best interest of themselves and their children, mediation is the way to go. Why give control of your divorce to people who don’t know you and are going to determine what’s best for you and your family in a matter of minutes. Empower yourself and try mediation first. It is less expensive, less time consuming, and a way to be able to decide things as individuals, opposed to being a docket number on a judge’s desk. I think of mediation as allowing the couple to explore that important grey area that is never spoken about in the courtroom. Remember, the courtroom only sees the black and white and doesn’t have the time or knowledge to see the grey.