STORMS CAN’T HURT THE SKY: THE BUDDHIST PATH THROUGH DIVORCE

My good friend and colleague, Barbara A. Stark, an attorney and mediator in Norwalk and New Haven, Connecticut wrote the following review that I thought you would be interested in.

Imagine yourself being strapped into the passenger seat of a plane, out of sorts because of the delay from a never-ending storm. The view out of the portal window is bleak as the plane finally rises, and the world below reduces to the size of train-set hamlets. Suddenly everything connected to the earth is gone. The clouds envelop the plane and block any orienting view for what can seem like an eternity. Gabriel Cohen, in his new book, Storms Can’t Hurt the Sky: The Buddhist Path Through Divorce uses this travel experience as an analogy to the longer and more frustrating stages of divorce Cohen’s audience, those who are going through a break up, will be lucky to settle into this book’s supportive pages. Storms Can’t Hurt the Sky serves as a reminder that just as the plane breaks through the clouds, revealing a blue sky above the cloud cover, above the chaos and devastation of divorce there is also always a place of calm and hope. No matter how terrible the storm below, the miracle of the sky is always there whether invisible or not. In this self-help book, designed for the Buddhist novice, Cohen sets the stage for his readers’ expectations as they travel the path to the book’s concluding pages. The book begins by posing the questions: How does the happiness of marriage become the suffering of divorce? Where does this particular kind of suffering seem to come from and, looking deeper, where does the suffering really come from? How can the divorce (and non-marital breakup) experience evolve into a less damaging and traumaticexperience? Can a person live through divorce and achieve peace and happinesssufficient of be ready for the next relationship, avoiding repeating the same mistakes?Blending two strands of narrative, Cohen weaves together information about thebasic principles of Buddhism with an engaging account of his own divorce. Relativelynew to Buddhist teachings (Cohen stumbled into his first Buddhist class during hisdivorce to hear a lecture on "How to Deal with Anger"), the book is an abbreviatedsurvey course on Buddhist history, principles, and techniques. Anyone familiar withBuddhism should not look to this book as an addition to the library of higher awareness. But the person not as familiar with Buddhist principles is gently guided to the understanding that Buddhist teachings "are not just pie in the sky abstractions but practical instructions … not just how to think better but how to behave better." The book supports and encourages a person’s taking responsibility for the suffering caused by divorce, and having compassion particularly for the ex or soon-to-be ex spouse. In between the Buddhist tutorial, Cohen maintains our interest and curiosity by describing the unraveling of his own marriage, his many-faceted experiences with the resulting grief, and his personal lessons from trying to live Buddhist principles. The narrative of his personal journey serves a more important function. By describing his actions, thoughts, and emotions while going through his painful process, Cohen gives the divorcing reader the opportunity to identify with his experiences and to feel less marginalized. Many descriptions worthy of underlining help to support the plane’s-eye view of the emotional disaster we call divorce, particularly for the person who feels that the divorce has been "done to" him or her: "Marriage makes me think of a seesaw: you have your ups and your downs, but through them all you trust your partner to support your weight. If one spouse suddenly jumps off, the other comes down hard. The whole solemn institution, which seemed so solid and permanent – We’ll love each other for better or for worse, until we die – is revealed as merely a fragile, tenuous, utterly voluntary agreement." The reader is prodded by Cohen to "challenge every statement" in the book and to test what he says. The book comes together in the concluding chapters with a "plan of action." Short on specifics, the plan is an aspirational checklist of principles to remember and use while going through the divorce experience (which for some means just surviving it) such as: refrain from acting out of anger, practice meditation, think about the difference between real love and attachment, reflect on impermance and change. Rather than setting a "holier than thou" tone, Cohen includes a chapter ("Anatomy of an Email") describing how he fell off the wagon a year after beginning his Buddhist journey by engaging in an angry, discouraging e-mail exchange with his wife. While Cohen emphasizes that forgiveness is an important part of emerging from the suffering of divorce, he is careful not to offer panaceas. The bad behavior of the other spouse is not excused, but the journey to a place of compassion for him or her is encouraged. Anger and sadness cannot be denied but acknowledgement and recognition help to contain those emotions and allow the move from suffering toward happiness. The bottom line, from Cohen’s practical, true-life perspective, is that in the Buddhist view, suffering arises chiefly from the sufferer’s mind, not from outside circumstances. This recognition and the taking of responsibility, if not for the situation one finds oneself in, at least for the emotional reactions to it, are critical steps in recovering from divorce. The practice of meditation is the primary Buddhist approach to creating a space where life events can be put in perspective. It provides the stability necessary for the insights that support personal growth. The mental image of the sky as the calm, stable part of the mind is always there as a refuge despite the roughness of the storm. This is the promise of the Buddhist approach to divorce as described by Cohen. Buddhist perspectives and teachings are not stand alone remedies for most people. Traditional therapeutic intervention and supportive friends provide critical support for people during divorce. Storms Can’t Hurt the Sky
offers a new perspective for many to experience and a way to grow from the painful grieving process resulting from divorce. It may even inspire some to further explore Buddhist teachings and readings (the book has an excellent resource list) in the quest for a fuller life, in which divorce is in the past and a better relationship is a future possibility.

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