twitter

I am surprised that I have not done a blog about twitter and my tweets. Our twitter page is http://twitter.com/CTRDivMediation Our blog and twitter pages compliment each other. Each refers to the other. It can be a challenge to do a tweet with only 140 characters but it can also be a challenge to write a longer blog. Sometimes I do the same topic on both. Tweets are more immediate and blogs more in depth. It is fun to do each. You should read both. I hope they impart some wisdom, fun, and help.
As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com WM (202) 1/13/11

Ketubahs, Divorce, and Marriage

We have often joked how I was surprised the day I got married when the Rabbi, who happened to be my brother in law, asked me if I would agree to divorce my Wife. I guess I should have taken my own advice and read the papers, in this case the Ketubah (Jewish marriage contract), in advance. Not that I would not have signed it. I would have also liked one suitable for framing as I like the blending of Jewish ritual and art. It has taken me 37 years but I finally got around to reading it again. The Ketubah has 22 lines of which 7 deal with divorce. It says, “And both together agreed that if this marriage shall ever be dissolved under civil laws, then either Husband or Wife may invoke the authority of the Beth Din of the Rabbical Assembly and the Jewish Theological Seminary of America or it duly authorized representatives, to decide what action by either spouse is then appropriate under Jewish matrimonial law; and if either spouse shall fail to honor the demand of the other or to carry out the decision of the Beth Din or its representatives then the other spouse may invoke any and all remedies available in civil law and equity to enforce compliance with the Beth Din’s decisions and this solemn obligation.” This is the famous “Lieberman Clause” named after Saul Lieberman, a professor at the Jewish Theological Seminary. The “Lieberman Clause” is necessary because only Jewish men can agree to a religious divorce (known as a Get). In order to avoid men using granting the divorce as a weapon in a civil divorce, the Husband agrees in advance to a Jewish Divorce. See my blogs on Religious Marriage and Divorce on March 10, 2008 and LA Law and Divorce on June 26, 2010. The rest of our Ketubah deals with declarations of how we will behave in the marriage. I found it very sexist. It is based on the Torah. The only common declaration is that we will love each other. My Wife must fulfill all the duties incumbent upon a Jewish Wife. I must protect and support her. Fortunately, the content of Ketubahs have greatly changed since we were married. If you Google Ketubah, you will find a great deal of interesting material. Our marriage license was mysteriously filed two years late but that is another story. However, before the license was filed late, we needed proof of marriage to change a passport name and our Ketubah was filed instead. It may be the only Ketubah on file in Connecticut.

As always, you can post any comment about this blog or Divorce Mediation, or just Mediation by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com WM (204) 1/27/11

What on earth do I do with my relationship baggage?

Let’s deviate for a moment and discuss baggage in general. Everyone has some form of baggage from a relationship or a nasty break up or divorce. Without being insensitive, if we are really committed to our next relationship working beautifully, we need to purge that baggage, or manage it. Before we can do that, let’s examine the types of baggage we drag around with us…

• The ‘Waiting to be Hurt’ Baggage – You react emotionally to the hurt from your past.
• The ‘Ex’ Baggage – You just can’t get over your ex-husband and hold on to the idea that the ex may come back into your life OR alternatively you compare EVERYONE new to your ex. Sadly, if you cannot come to grips with a relationship’s end or see a new person you are dating for who they are, you will be unable to function in a new relationship…
• The ‘Angry Woman’ Baggage – This is the most damaging kind of relationship baggage where you are just extremely angry at men. You blame men for all your problems. Men are “jerks” and “users.”
• The ‘I’m not attractive enough’ Baggage – This issue usually crops up due to a history with an ex who may have spent time constantly appraising other women’s beauty or spent time berating your own beauty or body.
• The ‘He’s bound to cheat on me’ Baggage – Most people have good instincts about their partners’ fidelity. The great exception: People who’ve been cheated on. If you have been burned you might not be able to trust your instinct, may see affairs everywhere and may not be able to clearly judge.
• The ‘I don’t satisfy him in bed’ Baggage – This baggage usually develops due to a history with a particular ex.
• The ‘I’m doomed to get dumped’ Baggage – You will tend to manifest your worst fears happening.

Learning to unpack your personal Samsonite won’t just help your own psyche; it’ll also help you empathize with your new man. Because guess what? That guy you’re dating? He’s standing there with a suitcase and garment bag, too.
Day 17 of The Naked Divorce Program deals extensively with how to rid yourself from relationship baggage and the dreaded ‘ex hexes’ for good, but in the mean time, here are some tips…
 Here are some tips to practice in your next relationship..

1. Just because certain ex-partners may have mistreated you in the past, don’t make the sweeping assumption that every single person you date from this point forward will treat you shabbily as well. Each new person you meet has the right to be evaluated based on his own unique merits and flaws, (as opposed to being evaluated based on your past relationship experiences). You certainly don’t want to miss out on getting to know a potential “Mr. Perfect-For-You” because you are too busy unfairly projecting your past negative relationship experiences onto him!
2. Obsessing over certain painful incidents or relationships from your past is not healthy. (Actually, obsessing about anything is not terribly healthy). In fact, it’s akin to playing a negative tape loop over and over again in your head, and it is definitely not conducive to creating happier, healthier relationship experiences.
3. A past difficult relationship should not cause you to give up completely on all relationships and/or potential relationships. Granted, it is perfectly understandable to feel sad, angry, bereaved, and even somewhat bitter in the immediate aftermath of a painful, failed relationship, but FOCUS on what you want to have happen rather than on what you don’t want to have happen.
4. People who feel insecure and/or who suffer from low self-esteem sometimes consciously or unconsciously sabotage their love relationships by engaging in behaviours that could potentially drive their partners away in order to confirm their own worst fears and beliefs about themselves. Don’t fall into this all-too-common insecurity trap!
5. Remember that your painful relationship history need not repeat itself over and over and over again, with only the most miniscule of variations (like some excruciatingly painful version of that Bill Murray movie, Groundhog Day.)

On that note, always bear in mind that you actually have an enormous say in the creation of your own destiny. And if you put your mind to it, you truly can break free from past destructive dating patterns.
Of course it is extremely important to protect yourself emotionally, especially if you have experienced more than your fair share of difficult, or humiliating, or even traumatic romantic relationships in the past. However, every aspect of life, including dating, involves a certain degree of risk-taking. And while it can be incredibly hard to open your heart and make yourself vulnerable to a potential new dating partner (especially if you have been hurt repeatedly in the past), please remember that life sometimes requires us to take a leap of faith so that we can continue to grow emotionally. Therefore, if you have recently met a good, kind, loving, emotionally whole and healthy person who would like nothing more than to start a relationship with you, then get ready to take that leap.
Sending you a hug!