What Makes a Family? Kimberly A. Kick, LCSW

The meaning of “family” has been changing over the last 50 years. Factors that have contributed to the change in family have been both parents having to work, an increase in the divorce rate, an increase in the number of blended families, and an increase in single parent families.

A significant number of people believe that the changing make-up of the family unit has had a negative impact on families. I would caution against assuming the worst. For many families divorce has literally been a life-saver in domestic violence situations. There are also numerous examples of children who identify a step-parent as “mom” or “dad”, not my “step-mom” or “step-dad” due to the positive influence she or he has had on the child’s life.

The family unit, no matter what size, shape, or form it comes in, isn’t what is relevant. What is relevant is what happens inside the family unit. Families are the main socializing agent for children. Families are where values, morals, and ethics are learned. Families should be where children feel safe, protected, and loved.

Take a minute to think about your family, both your family of origin and your current family. Think about other families you know. What characteristics and qualities make these families good? What characteristics and qualities make them bad? What values and beliefs are embraced in your family? I’d like to hear some of your responses.

10 Tips For Moms To Productively Co-Parent

Parenting after divorce requires serious adjustment, trust, and confidence. Whether you resolve your divorce through a peaceful resolution process or through a divorce battle, the way you and your ex “co-parent” will have an impact, good or bad, on your children.

Many mothers feel that they are better equipped to care for the child than the father for a variety of reasons. “He’s never taken care of a four year old before.” “He doesn’t even know who Susie’s doctors are.” Some of these reasons may, in fact, be true. Why? Because mom always took those responsibilities. So what happens when little Susie is on her weekend visit with Dad? Unless Mom and Dad have a good co-parenting relationship (doesn’t happen over-night), Mom will probably be frantic all weekend, Susie will feel Mom’s anxiety before she leaves to spend time with Dad, Susie will likely be worried all weekend about Mom, Dad will feel that Mom is judging him and trying to interfere with his relationship with Susie, and there will likely be more court hearings to modify visitation because Susie is uncomfortable visiting with Dad, Dad is not taking proper care of Susie, Mom is “brain-washing” Susie against Dad, etc. All of these are understandable “perspectives”. Children pick up on emotion even when nothing is said to them. Regardless of what Dad says or does, you have the ability to create a positive relationship with your child. Here are a few tips for divorced Mothers wanting to improve their relationships with their children:

1. Never bad mouth your child’s father in the child’s presence or within his/her range of hearing;
2. Never ask your child about his/her time with Dad - let your child tell you about it without any pressure from you;
3. When your child shares something negative about Dad (“Dad said you don’t want me to spend time with him”), don’t attack Dad. The best response is to tell your child that you’re sorry s/he had to hear that and that Mom and Dad are working on this very hard and “we both love you very much.”
4. Don’t try to control Dad - it didn’t work when you were married, it will work even less now. Telling him to do homework with your child or not feed them cake for dinner will not work.
5. Allow Dad to be the Dad you want him to be. When Dad has the kids and calls you to find out if, for example, he should give Susie a certain medication, give Dad the information to make the decision himself (Susie was allergic when she was first born. If you are going to give it to her, watch her breathing for the next 30 minutes and be ready to get her to the hospital if she starts wheezing, etc). Resist taking control but make sure your child is safe.
6. Keep Dad informed about your child’s schedule. There are online services such as Our Family Wizard that can help you do this without having to directly communicate with Dad;
7. Keep a regular routine that your child can take with her when she is with Dad. For example, make it your child’s job to always lock the doors and windows at your house. When she’s at Dad’s, guess what she’ll do every night;
8. If you happen to be the disciplinarian or the homework enforcer, make sure you also make time for fun - your regular routine should include game nights, bed time stories, evening walks, etc;
9. Have a support network and a stress outlet - yoga, a book club, etc. This will also help keep your mind off your child when s/he is with Dad.
10. Try not to be alone on holidays when your child is with Dad. The last thing you need is to be so depressed that your child starts to feel guilty for being away from you at that time of year, every year. Create new traditions that you can look forward to.

Child specialists agree that children who’s parents have divorced tend to have more productive relationships in adulthood when their parents resolve their divorces peacefully. These tips where accumulated from my experience as a divorce peacemaker, from recommendations by child specialists, and from practices that have worked for my clients. There are many more ways to succeed in co-parenting. Please feel free to share what has worked for you.

10 Tips For Dads To Productively Co-Parent

Parenting after divorce requires serious adjustment, trust, and confidence. Whether you resolve your divorce through a peaceful resolution process or through a divorce battle, the way you and your ex-spouse co-parent will have an impact, good or bad, on your children.

For many fathers, this may be the first time you have sole responsibility for your child for a significant period of time. It will be up to you to feed your child, dress him, give medications, take to birthday parties, handle emergencies, etc. This can be a challenge, especially if you feel Mom will be judging you or will use any mistake against you to challenge your visitation time. Mother’s frequently complain “He’s never taken care of a four year old before.” “He doesn’t even know who Johnny’s doctors are.” Some of these reasons may, in fact, be true. Why? Because mom always took those responsibilities. So what happens when little Johnny is on his weekend visit with Dad? Unless Mom and Dad have a good co-parenting relationship (doesn’t happen over-night), Mom will probably be frantic all weekend, Johnny will feel Mom’s anxiety before he leaves to spend time with Dad, Johnny will likely be worried all weekend about Mom, Dad will feel that Mom is judging him and trying to interfere with his relationship with Johnny, and there will likely be more court hearings to modify visitation because Johnny is uncomfortable visiting with Dad, Dad is not taking proper care of Johnny, Mom is “brain-washing” Johnny against Dad, etc. All of these are understandable “perspectives”. Children pick up on emotion even when nothing is said to them. Regardless of what Mom says or does, you have the ability to create a positive relationship with your child. Here are a few tips for Fathers wanting to improve their relationships with their children:

1. Never bad mouth your child’s mother in the child’s presence or within his/her range of hearing;
2. Ask your child how his day was and actually listen, attentively, to the answer - ask follow up questions;
3. Help your child with her homework;
4. Meet your child’s teachers and the school’s staff - I personally have seen mother’s going through divorce who have rallied the school staff on their side because they talk to them about how terrible Dad is. And since Dad doesn’t talk to the staff, they believe Mom;
5. Know the names of your child’s friends - this will not only show you are interested and paying attention, but it will make it much easier when you learn that Johnny was invited to Susie’s birthday party. Your child has a life too you know;
6. Create a routine for when your child is with you - Father child activities are great, such as afternoon walks, bed time stories, grocery shopping (a great opportunity to include your child’s tastes for dinners during his/her visit with you);
7. Know how your child is doing in school - Don’t use your lack of communication with Mom as an excuse. Talk to your child’s teacher (see item 4 above) and ask if she can create a duplicate of your child’s progress reports for you. Sometimes, they are available online. Get the information. It’s okay to let the teachers know your situation and the level of communication with Mom. This will help the teacher help your child through rough days (such as mid week visitation changes, when it is natural for your child to miss the parent s/he will not be seeing for a while).
8. Compliment your child on his/her successes;
9. Communicate directly with all of your child’s caregivers;
10. Enjoy each day with your child and remind her how much you love her. Stress affects us all. Find an outlet when your child is not with you so that you can be properly focused when s/he is with you.
    

Child specialists agree that children who’s parents have divorced tend to have more productive relationships in adulthood when their parents resolve their divorces peacefully. These tips where accumulated from my experience as a divorce peacemaker, from recommendations by child specialists, and from practices that have worked for my clients. There are many more ways to succeed in co-parenting. Please feel free to share what has worked for you.