NPR and Children of Divorce

My daughters have an interest in what we do as a divorce mediators. They often send me articles that I will be interested in. My oldest daughter recently sent me the January 4, 2010 article which was on the NPR web site by Sasha Aslanian entitled, "What The Divorce Revolution Has Meant For Kids." You can see the entire article at http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=122127796 Since it was about children, it was appropriate that it came from my daughter. Ms. Aslanian contrasts the recent history of children in divorce from the movie Kramer vs. Kramer with what has happened in Henepin County, Minnesota. In the movie the couple are locked in a custody battle over their young son. The child they were fighting over doesn't have much of a voice in the movie. It's more a drama about his parents. In Hennepin County, Minnesota steps are being taken for the sake of the kids.
She indicates that the "Country tried something different. At the first meeting with the judge right after filing for divorce, there would be no motions. No judicial robes. And the attorneys would sit on the sidelines. ‘The judge would sit down with parties and talk to them about such things as childhood development. What they could do to help their kids. What would send their kids' mental health south real fast. What they could do to preserve some of their assets for their kids' extracurricular activities or college, rather than the lawyers' kids' extracurricular activities and college, After the initial meeting, the couple would come back a few weeks later and meet with a male and a female custody evaluator. They would try to come up with a reasonable plan that everyone could buy into. A separate meeting dealt with the financial part of divorce.""
She also discusses the County’s court-mandated class for kids whose parents were getting divorced. She says they practiced role-playing how to avoid divorce traps. — like being asked to spy on the other parent or parents who spew venom about each other.
Divorce does not have to be a disaster for the children. If the parents care, they can do things to make it better for their children. I always tell my clients they have given their children a wonderful gift.
As always, you can post any comment about this blog, Divorce Mediation, or Tucson Arizona by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM(166) 1/26/10

Zero-Sum Divorce

Recently, I have been reading, "The Evolution of God" by Robert Wright. See his web site at http://evolutionofgod.net/ He uses the "zero-sum" concept in his book. I have been coming across this concept in many contexts lately. Wikepedia say, "In game theory and economic theory, zero-sum describes a situation in which a participant's gain or loss is exactly balanced by the losses or gains of the other participant(s). If the total gains of the participants are added up, and the total losses are subtracted, they will sum to zero. Zero-sum can be thought of more generally as constant sum where the benefits and losses to all players sum to the same value... Cutting a cake is zero- or constant-sum, because taking a larger piece reduces the amount of cake available for others. In contrast, non-zero-sum describes a situation in which the interacting parties' aggregate gains and losses is either less than or more than zero." It has been my experience that zero sum can also be diagnostic of a person’s view of situations. For instance, I have found that Conservatives are tend to see things as zero sum and Liberals tend to see things as non-zero sum. As usual I try to apply ideas to divorce. It is my experience that Adversary or Traditional Divorces are zero-sum and Mediated Divorces are non-zero sum. You can always find both in either type of divorce. If you can identify if a party is zero-sum or non-zero sum, it helps to determine how they will problem solve or negotiate. Once you know this it makes it easier to resolve the case. A note of caution, you try to explain to the parties if the pie is constant or can be made larger but you can’t usually convert a zero-sum person to a non-zero sum person.
As always, you can post any comment about this blog, Divorce Mediation, or Tucson Arizona by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM(165) 1/19/10

Record Number of Divorces

A short article in the New York Times caught my eye. It said in part, " On the other hand, vows are apparently a necessity for an Israeli man who at age 50 has just been granted his 11th divorce. The BBC reports that the man, from Jerusalem, usually divorces after two years and immediately goes out bride hunting. Or perhaps bride reeling. "I send out a hook in all directions, and the fish come on their own," the man, who was not named, said. According to the rabbinical court that announced the divorce, 11 is a record for Jews in Israel. The court praised the man's adherence to religious procedure. Under Jewish law, a man seeking a divorce grants his wife a "get," which declares, ‘You are hereby permitted to all men.’" See the article at http://www.nytimes.com/2010/01/09/weekinreview/10grist-2.html

It made me think who set the record for the most divorces. If Wikepedia is too be trusted is appears to be Glynn Wolfe, a former Baptist minister. They say, " he managed the feat a heartbreaking 28 times throughout his life. The shortest of his marriages was a mere 19 days, while the longest lasted an impressive 7 years." He was married 29 times. See http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Glynn_Wolfe
He apparently died with $480 to his name. I guess it is very costly to get divorce 28 times!

As always, you can post any comment about this blog, Divorce Mediation, or Tucson Arizona by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM(164) 1/12/10

Summer camp and children of divorce.

My son loves to go to overnight summer camp, it's a great experience for him, he gets away, and he hangs out with guys. As my son lives with all women,and his father doesn't make the attempt to see him but a few times a year, I feel it is important for my son to be around "the guys". As a mother I will do anything to make sure my children are well taken care of and have opportunities to experience life. I have taken on more hours at work in order to be able to pay for my son to go to overnight summer camp. How is it that my x husband calls it a luxury that he is not willing to pay for? I would understand if my x husband was working full time, paying child support, doing his best for the children, and just couldn't afford it. But I have an x husband who works part time when he does work, doesn't pay what he is court ordered to pay, and doesn't care if his son sits at home or goes to camp. I guess I have always had the mind set that I will provide for my children to the best of my ability. I don't think everyone was cut out to be a parent, unfortunately, most of the time it is not recognized until it is to late. In the end, the children suffer and this "so called parent" has no idea how they have negatively impacted the life of a child. What are other peoples experiences?

2010 Dates for Better Parenting Better Divorce Classes

• Do you have serious conflicts with your co-parent? Research has shown that children of divorce don't have to be damaged for life if their parents have cooperative and collaborative relationships.
• Respectful co-parenting can provide children their best chance of living normal lives after separation and divorce.
• All of our facilitators are experienced mental health professionals with years of total experience working with families. They have extensive training in conflict and resolution and mediation (l-r: Judy Colich, Vi Ballard, Paula Van Doren and David Kuroda).
  
• Dates and times of Classes: Series 1: Thursdays, January 7, 14, 21, 28, February 4, 11, 2010. Series 2: Thursdays, February 25, March 4, 11, 25, April 1, 8, 2010. Series 3: Mondays, April 12, 19, 26, May 3, 10, 17, 2010.
  
• Time and Location: 5:30 - 7:30 pm, 21535 Hawthorne Blvd. Suite 585, Torrance CA 90503. For parking area, enter from Carson or Del Amo Circle and park under building
• Cost: $360 for the 6-sessions. Credit cards accepted, $370.
• For information and registration: Call 310-373-7994 or 310-245-6814
• Both parents expected to attend the same group
• This workshop is recognized by the L.A. Superior Court/Family Court Services as a local alternative to attending "Parents Without Conflict" in Los Angeles.

Top Reasons People Divorce

I am surprised I have not done this before. In an article in Associated Content on June 1, 2006, Linda M. McCloud says the following are the top reasons people get divorced. See entire article at http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/35097/top_reasons_people_divorce.html Do you agree? Would you include other reasons in the list?

Money.
Infidelity.
Poor communication
Change in priorities. This can be caused by having kids or due to ones job, big things.
Lack of commitment to the marriage.
Sexual problems.
Other reasons that come up frequently, but not as frequently are:
Addictions
Failed expectations of your spouse (believing one is a super hero or that he/she can fix or be everything to or for you)
Physical, emotional or sexual abuse.

As always, you can post any comment about this blog, Divorce Mediation, or Tucson Arizona by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. Learn more about mediation at http://www.center-divorce-mediation.com/ WM(163) 1/2/10