Olympics Metaphor for Divorce

I am always looking for metaphors for divorce in life. Watching the Olympics on television, I found quite a few. The synchronized diving is a perfect example. Is the team which is jumping off a 10 meter platform "in synch" on the way down like a couple getting divorced? Does the couple have a problem when they are not in "sync." The swimming race shows a green line across the pool which is the world record time. Many couples in a divorce have a green line and want to set a world record divorce settlement. The swimming and diving are shown from many angles. Should we look at divorce from many angles? As always, you can post any comment about this blog, Divorce Mediation, or Tucson Arizona by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website or participate in our Presidential poll located below the directions. WM 8/29/08

Cost of Not Settling

Parties in all law suits, which unfortunately, also include divorces, must make a decision to settle or litigate their case. There was an interesting article in the August 8, 2008, New York Times by Jonathan D. Glater entitled "The Cost of Not Settling a Lawsuit." See chart above and the entire article at
http://www.nytimes.com/2008/08/08/business/08law.html?ex=1375934400&en=dad0bb582570506d&ei=5124&partner=permalink&exprod=permalink. The article premise is "that is the clear lesson of a soon-to-be-released study of civil lawsuits that has found that most of the plaintiffs who decided to pass up a settlement offer and went to trial ended up getting less money than if they had taken that offer." It cites Randall L. Kiser, a co-author of the study. The study will be published in September issue of the Journal of Empirical Legal Studies.
See http://www.blackwellpublishing.com/journal.asp?ref=1740-1453&site=1. The study suggests that "lawyers may not be explaining the odds to their clients — or that clients are not listening to their lawyers." It goes on to say "Law schools do not teach how to handicap trials, nor do they help develop the important skill of telling a client that a case is not a winner. Clients do not like to hear such news." It concludes by saying "The findings are consistent with research on human behavior and responses to risk, said Martin A. Asher, an economist at the University of Pennsylvania and a co-author. For example, psychologists have found that people are more averse to taking a risk when they are expecting to gain something, and more willing to take a risk when they have something to lose. ‘If you approach a class of students and say, I’ll either write you a check for $200, or we can flip a coin and I will pay you nothing or $500,’ most students will take the $200 rather than risk getting nothing, Mr. Asher said. But reverse the situation, so that students have to write the check, and they will choose to flip the coin, risking a bigger loss because they hope to pay nothing at all, he continued. ‘They’ll take the gamble.’" Is there a lesson here for couples going thru a divorce? We often advise clients that it is better to choose the devil you know rather than the devil you don’t know. Clients often think they are right and therefor will prevail. Sadly for them, this usually does not happen. I like mediation because in most cases this dilemma can be avoided. As always, you can post any comment about this blog, Divorce Mediation, or Tucson Arizona by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website or participate in our Presidential poll located below the directions. WM 8/25/08

Divorce, Voice Mail, and Email

When mediating a case, I advise clients not to problem solve (I don’t like to use the word negotiate) by email or voice mail. I have always felt that problem solving requires instantaneous feed back and response or it becomes a monologue and not a dialogue. Email is acceptable for transmitting or confirming information such as pick up times for children. Along this line this line, I was fascinated to see the front page article in Saturday, August 2, 2008, New Times by Matt Richtel. entitled, "Don’t Want to Talk About it? New Service Sells Missed Calls," which discusses a new technology that is as bad for divorce as email.
See the entire article at
http://www.nytimes.com/2008/08/02/us/02sly.html?ex=1375416000&en=559c26cce622f2df&ei=5124&partner=permalink&exprod=permalink. The article discusses a new service called Slydial. which allows callers to dial a mobile telephone but avoid an unwanted conversation or as the article say "unwanted intimacy" because the incoming call goes undetected by the receiver and goes directly to the receivers voice mail. The name Slydial says it all. The article quotes James Katz, head of the Center for Mobile Communications Studies at Rutgers University as saying, "You pretend to be communicating, when you are actually stifling communications," This is my very point. Couples think they are communicating when they are actually doing the reverse. I must now advise clients, not only not to email but not to leave voice mail messages. As always, you can post any comment about this blog, Divorce Mediation, or Tucson Arizona by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website or participate in our Presidential poll located below the directions. WM 8/17/08

Is Divorce Morally Acceptable?

As the culture of divorce has changed over the years, it has been assumed that one of the reasons is there is no longer as much as a stigma about getting divorced. I have rarely seen any confirmation of this assumption and was interested to see the Op-Ed article in the Saturday, July 26, 2008, New York Time by Charles M. Blow entitled "America Moves to the Middle." See the entire article and graphs at
http://www.nytimes.com/2008/07/26/opinion/26blow.html?ex=1374811200&en=8bc56570af496353&ei=5124&partner=permalink&exprod=permalink. In particular look at the graph the top or on the last row on the second from the right in the article. It shows that 70% of people now believe that divorce is morally acceptable as opposed to 59% in 2001. Blow states, "While more bemoan the worsening state of moral values in the country, we are increasingly shifting our opinion on what is morally acceptable. Now most believe that getting divorced, ...(is) are morally acceptable." It is also interesting that this has not reflected an increase in the divorce rate. I have been advised that this is because the marriage rate is also dropping and that there is a difference in the rate of divorce in different socio-economic groups. In any event, hopefully, people who want and need a divorce are now feeling less social pressure in requesting a divorce. I don’t think the personal pain will ever go away. As always, you can post any comment about this blog, Divorce Mediation, or Tucson Arizona by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website or participate in our Presidential poll located below the directions. WM 8/17/08

Celebrity Divorce Again

Celebrity divorces define the culture of divorce. After a horrendous trial, the Christie Brinkley case settled. According to the July 10, 2008 Daily News story by Christina Boyle and Tracy Connor. "Brinkley got the kids, the property and the satisfaction of having exposed her cheating husband as a skirt-chasing egomaniac. Cook got $2.1 million, most of which will end up in his lawyers' pockets. He lost his Sweet Freedom, the little fishing boat Brinkley gave him on his 40th birthday. So ended one of New York's nastiest divorce battles - a Hamptons soap opera that featured sex, lies and Web cam video. After 12 years of marriage, eight days of testimony and one very long night of negotiations, the supermodel and the architect finally agreed on how to part ways. Both claimed victory, but Brinkley was the one beaming - and flashing the V for victory sign - outside the courthouse in Central Islip, L.I., after the deal was announced. ‘I have won custody and decision-making, and that's all I ever wanted,’ Brinkley said before going home. The 54-year-old cover girl said she was ‘pleased’ with the outcome, but she also called it ‘very bittersweet.’ ‘It really is the death of a marriage, but it's also, I think, a new start for all of us.’ Cook, 49, was brusque.
‘I've got everything I've been asking for two years,’ he said, even though he had petitioned the court for joint custody. The pact gives Brinkley sole legal custody and decision-making power over 13-year-old Jack and 10-year-old Sailor Lee. It is believed Cook is keeping his current visitation rights - every other weekend and one school night a week with extra time in the summer. He ceded his claim to 18 properties Brinkley bought with her millions during their marriage and he has to give up the boat where he spent the Fourth of July with gal pal Suzanne Shaw and son Jack. The vessel will be sold, and the couple will split the proceeds." See the entire article at http://www.nydailynews.com/gossip/2008/07/10/2008-07-10_christie_brinkley_peter_cook_divorce_end.html

The A-Rod divorce is next. See article in New York post at http://www.nypost.com/seven/07072008/news/nationalnews/a_rods_wife_hurls_splitter_118824.htm
where you can even view the court papers!

I wonder after reading this why the case could not have been settled earlier. Unfortunately these cases are fueled by anger. Wouldn’t it have been better for the children. Mediation would have allowed confidentiality. How many couples will fight in their divorce case because of reading about this case. One of the more telling comment may have been, "Cook got $2.1 million, most of which will end up in his lawyers' pockets."

As always, you can post any comment about this blog, Divorce Mediation, or Tucson Arizona by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website or participate in our Presidential poll located below the directions. WM 8/13/08

Divorce Recovery

Frank Williams of Divorce Recovery was a recent guest on my Divorce TV show. You can get the schedule of when this and the other programs will air by going to http://www.divorcetvaz.googepages.com/ I knew a little bit about the Divorce Recovery program but was amazed when I learned more. The program which will be celebrating its 30thanniversary this year has had 1500 volunteers and has helped 15,000 people. People get divorced and often suffer thru the results with no held. Divorce Recovery believes that going through a separation, divorce and the ending of a close relationship is not easy. Divorce Recovery is a support program to help individuals who are ending close relationships. You can learn more about Divorce Recovery at their website at http://www.divorcerecovery.net/
As always, you can post any comment about this blog, Divorce Mediation, or Tucson Arizona by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website or participate in our Presidential poll located below the directions. WM 8/9/08

Marriages of Limited Duration 2

On February 27, 2008, I blogged about marriages of limited duration. As is often the case, I thought I had come up with an original idea. As Sherlock Holmes said, "there is nothing new under the sun." I was recently reading "Devil May Care" which is the thirty-sixth James Bond novel and is written by Sebastian Faulks writing as Ian Fleming. I was surprised to read in the book that Shitte Muslims believe in such marriages which are called "mutaa." Of course I googled Muslim marriages of limited duration and came up with a January 20, 2007 article in the Washington Post by Nancy Trejos entitled "Temporary ‘Enjoyment Marriages’ in Vogue Again With Some Iraqis." See the entire article at http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2007/01/19/AR2007011901850.html?referrer=google
Ms. Trejos notes that "According to Shiite religious law, a mutaa relationship can last for a few minutes or several years. A man can have an unlimited number of mutaa wives and a permanent wife at the same time. A woman can have only one husband at a time, permanent or temporary. No written contract or official ceremony is required in a mutaa. When the time limit ends, the man and woman go their separate ways with none of the messiness of a regular divorce."
As always, you can post any comment about this blog, Divorce Mediation, or Tucson Arizona by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website or participate in our Presidential poll located below the directions. WM 8/5/08

Up to Parents

We like to call your attention to helpful website we come across. http://www.uptoparents.org/ is an excellent resource for parents. It puts together information found in many books into an easy to use set of exercises. It is a good supplement to Parenting Education programs required by the courts.
As always, you can post any comment about this blog, Divorce Mediation, or Tucson Arizona by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website or participate in our Presidential poll located below the directions. WM 8/1/08